Wise Guys

If you visit the Animal Planet web site and look at their Top Ten lists, you will see a link (http://animal.discovery.com/tv/a-list/creature-countdowns/smartest/smartest.html) for the ten smartest animals on the planet. The first thing that struck me about this list is that Homo sapiens do not appear on it. There are at least a few possible reasons for this; the good people at Animal planet don’t consider people animals; they have reservations about self-evaluation; or we just didn’t make the top ten. Any of these are plausible, but recent political and social trends lend much credence to the last most of the possibilities.

At number ten on the list is the ubiquitous rat. Rats are known for being good at navigating mazes and their fondness for cheese. It has been demonstrated that rats can count, at least up to five, and they are able to recognize and remember complex patterns when properly induced, such as with the possibility of access to food, sex or cocaine (in this respect, the common rat is most comparable to a Republican Congressman). We are not, however, completely comfortable with the intelligence of the rat. Rats know, for example, that dead rats don’t need their intestines anymore and that the extremely intoxicated have little feeling in their extremities. Rats also know that human infants don’t know Kung Fu. Rats are literally everywhere on Planet Earth and will do anything, no matter how selfish or degrading, to survive, sort of like Lindsey Lohan. When you are the creature with which the concept of “rat fuck” is associated, you clearly deserve some credit.

Number nine on the list is the octopus. You would think they would have made the octopus number eight just for irony, but perhaps the people at Animal Planet don’t appreciate irony. The octopus is the cleverest of the invertebrates, smarter even than the spineless asses in Congress. It can navigate mazes and open jars on par with the average citizen of Alabama. The octopus can communicate with complex visual signals produced by changing the pigmentation of its skin. While scientists are not clear on all the intended meanings, “I’m horny” and “piss off” are prominent among them. Most knowledgeable people agree that octopi (3.14 octopuses) would build nuclear weapons and eradicate the human race if they could get some plutonium, which is why we make every effort to recover any nuclear devices lost at sea. The octopus is sneaky, evil, hateful and disgusting, which completely justifies us dumping raw sewerage and other garbage into its environment.

Number eight is the Pigeon. The Pigeon. Allegedly pigeons have excellent memories and can differentiate between their own reflection and the reflections of other pigeons in a mirror. Why they would care is something of a mystery. Pigeons have been known to exploit the mentally ill and the elderly for breadcrumbs. They have an advanced chemical warfare program in which they spread Histoplasmosis through their dung. Their ultimate objective is in all likelihood the eradication of mankind, but in the short term, vandalizing bronze statues appears to be their goal. Pigeons can remember things for years, so if you ever crossed one, you might want to move.

The seventh most intelligent animal is the squirrel. No joke. Hey, I didn’t make the list. The squirrel is essentially an arboreal rat with a bushy tail, but what makes them smarter than a rat is that they know how to be cute. They also know how to hide food and climb up on bird-feeders. In reality squirrels are selfish and devious creatures that have no respect for private property or vehicular rights-of-way. They scamper hither and yon, indifferent to traffic patterns or the length of your dog’s leash. They have been known to torment their canine cousins by repeatedly running along the top of a fence, just out of reach. Squirrels are, however, smart enough not to torment cats, which is what keeps them on the list.

Number six on the list is the pig. Pigs are highly adaptable and adept at problem solving. Part of the esteem for their intelligence stems from the fact that they know housework is a waste of time. Also, pigs will eat anything, which makes picking a restaurant a lot easier. Pigs can be trained to do anything a dog can do, except perhaps bark. Many people keep pigs as pets and say they are as affectionate as dogs or cats, which indicates that pigs will lie for food, an essential element of any definition of intelligence.

Number five is crows. These creepy descendants of the dinosaur are well known for their ability to stealthily purloin your French fries when your back is turned. It is no accident that they were the villains in ‘The Birds”; they would murder you if they had access to firearms, but they have been known to employ the old “beak in the eye” routine. Crows utilize all sorts of strategies to crack nuts, such as leaving them in the road for cars to run over; they would do the same thing with your toddler if they had more lift. It is a myth that crows assemble when someone is about to die; they are smart enough to wait until someone is dead to show up.

Number four is the elephant. They are, of course, known for their extraordinary memory and their habit of all-too-public displays of grief at the death of a herd member. Elephants are vicious and vindictive bastards who hold a grudge for years, thanks, I guess, to their good memory. They use tools in the wild, which means they will throw shit at you if so inclined. Elephants kill people all the time, which shows they have a pretty good handle on the whole ‘badass” thing. In fact, elephants are the only creature to make both the top ten most intelligent and top ten deadliest lists. You would be well advised not to fuck with elephants.

Third on the list is the orangutan. The orangutan looks like a human and acts like a human, except that it’s not an asshole. Speaking of acting like humans, orangutans have been in Clint Eastwood movies, but that’s not necessarily a sign of intelligence. They have complex social structures and solve complex puzzles. Perhaps they should be in Congress, unlike Republicans.

Number 2 is the dolphin. They have complex language structure, and learn complex tasks quickly and easily, when they are properly rewarded that is, a sure sign of intelligence. Dolphins have no hands, which is why they have not murdered any of us for humiliating them with all that inappropriate dolphin touching stuff. Juvenile dolphins remain with their parents for several years, showing great intelligence on the part of the juveniles, although one has to question why this occurs if the parents can swim faster.

Number one is of course the cockroach. No, sorry, that’s the chimpanzee, but the chimpanzee is not smart enough to live in large numbers in my house irrespective of my efforts to eradicate them. Chimpanzees are very clever, but they will also rip your face off if they get pissed. Chimpanzees hunt cooperatively and use sign language, like human males on ladies night. Chimpanzees are much stronger than an equal sized human, so they definitely should not be taught kung fu. That wouldn’t be smart.

What is intelligence anyway? If intelligence is defined as taking actions which are most consistent with one’s own wellbeing, bacteria are probably smarter than we are. There are a lot of other animals you could put on this list, especially the dog, which is smart enough to lie around the house all day and take advantage of free food and healthcare while giving nothing in return but cuteness, sort of like teenage children, except for the cuteness part. Anyway, animals are not so different from us in most ways, except they’re not arrogant and they don’t make lists about shit.