Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Rock Me Nostradamus
I was just thinking about the world that my two teenage sons will be living in for the next 60 or 70 years and I imagine that they will not be needing those metaphorical shades, since the future doesn't look all that bright. I am constantly reminding them that they need to eat their vegetables and study hard because they will not have it easy like the old man did, but they don't listen. I have been accused from time to time of being something of a pessimist, but history seldom fails to meet my low expectations, so, just in case you were interested, here are my TOP TEN REASONS AMERICA IS COMPLETELY DOOMED, in the order I thought them up:
1) MASSIVE DEBT
Our government owes so much money that if you took it in one dollar bills and laid them end to end it would stretch to the edge of the known Universe and back 237,782 times. This is a scientific fact. Thanks to the cowardice, stupidity and corruption of our two party system, every man, woman and child in this country already owes for a brand new 2010 Jaguar 2-door XKR Coupe which they will never see, but for which they will have to make payments for the next 30 years. As a matter of full disclosure, I am making these facts up as I go, but they are nonetheless completely accurate. Anyway, the Republican Party, in addition to being venal and bigoted, is also paranoid and full of idiots. They won't cut defense spending, even though our biggest enemies have defense budgets about one-tenth of our own, and they love socialized medical programs like Medicare which pay extraordinary amounts of our money to keep dying old ladies alive an additional 4.7 days at the tune of about $25,000 a day; they also love to give tax breaks to corporations for sending our jobs to Laos and investing in new ways to despoil our environment. On the other hand, the Democratic Party, in addition to being venal and stoned, is also clueless and can't count. As a life-long Democrat, I love the Party's laid back tolerance and gentle affection for the downtrodden, but as a high school graduate, I also know that if you take two apples from the public and give three apples to the poor, then you better be able to shit apples because you're an apple short. The Democratic Party's economic platform can best be summed up as "we can't be broke, we still have printing presses." Between the Republicans and the Democrats, we are truly fucked.
Before we move on, however, let's not forget that the morons who put these jamokes in office in the first place (i.e. us) are carrying another billion trillion dollars worth of personal debt. We use credit cards to buy stuff off the Value Menu at the McDonald's drive-through instead of picking up the loose change from between the seats. We have to have Hello-Kitty and Blue-Ray DVD this very minute or we will literally explode. We change cell phones more often than we change our undergarments and we don't realize that the two year contract which got us the "free" phone is a form of financial liability, or, as we call it in Georgia, debt. We have no self-control, and that, combined with an unrealistic sense of entitlement, fuels our addiction to credit, and this addiction will only be cured by an extensive series of beatings or a protracted economic depression or the Chinese cutting us off. Doom, doom and more well-deserved, self-created doom.
2) STUPIDITY
We are a nation of dumbasses. The average American can't divide two, two digit numbers without a calculator with really big buttons on it. Ninety-five percent of Americans don't know who is buried in Grant's Tomb. Physics and chemistry might as well be foreplay and sobriety for as much as they are understood in this country. More Americans believe in ghosts than biological evolution and more Americans can name four of the contestants on this season's The Biggest Loser than can name one person who has EVER won a Nobel Prize. Millions of people watch Jersey Shore because they CAN relate to the characters. We believe in astrology. We think Miley Cyrus is talented. Our quality of life is at the mercy of a scientific elite that we neither trust nor understand and scientific inquiry is being increasingly distorted by political objectives. Many other countries, while putrid in their own unique ways, at least have societies that understand the power of science. Doom for us? I should say so.
3) CORPORATE INFLUENCE IN POLITICS
Money drives the political process in America. You have to have access to tons of cash in order to make stupid campaign commercials to appeal to stupid voters. The United States Supreme Court recently decided that corporations enjoy the same rights of political speech as actual real human people do, so we will now all be able to benefit from the unlimited political messages of business entities which have allegiance only to their own profitability and are owned by who knows, including foreign corporations which have a presence in the U.S. The PR industry, which clearly has no intimate relationship with facts or truth, makes billions of dollars from national, state and local election cycles and the nation's master psychological manipulators are employed by candidates of every stripe to convince you to support their man (or woman). Candidates used to stand on a stump and look you in the eye (or eyes, if you had two) and tell you what they really thought, even if it was medieval or nonsensical; now they stand in front of a blue screen and tell you what their market research says you want to hear, and then they go to Albany or Washington or wherever and do what their financial masters tell them to do. This is what we call democracy. Doom.
4) LACK OF KNOWLEDGE OF, AND RESPECT FOR, THE REST OF THE WORLD
You might argue that ignorance is a component of stupidity, but if it is, I can't get ten things on my list. The average American can't find America on a map, much less the Maldives. We don't know about other cultures or the history of other nations. We don't speak any languages well, not even English. We arrogantly assume that we are smarter, better looking and more moral than every other country on Earth. This is why we can't seem to grasp the reasons about half the world thinks we suck. We have double standards for our behavior compared with the actions of other nations and we are often viewed as hypocrites because of the disconnect between our high ideals and the things we actually do. When we blow up children, it's collateral damage; when somebody else blows up children, it's terrorism or barbarism or family planning. Doom-da-doo-doom.
5) DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN ENERGY SOURCES
We are the crack-whores of the international energy market. We use so much crude oil you would think it was a personal lubricant, and for this privilege we send hundreds of billions of dollars every year to despots and tyrants and people with borderline personality disorders. We get most of our oil from countries that don't like us, like Alaska, and then they use that money to purchase weapons from our allies and scarf up the world's uranium supply, another source of energy which we mostly import. We have no plan to resolve this dependence other than allowing foreign corporations to pump millions of barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and deregulating the use of donkeys in grist mills. Meanwhile, most Americans, including my fat, lazy ass, drive gasoline guzzling monsters 90 miles an hour everywhere they go, charging the $3.00 a gallon gas on their Visa Card. Doom? You betcha'.
6) WILD WEST VIOLENCE
America is the most violent nation in the world that is not currently engaged in a protracted civil war supplied by at least three different industrialized nations and involving seven separate ethnic groups. We kill each other at rates that make every war since World War II look like a church picnic. We have virtually unlimited access to guns and big knives and piano wire, and we are all mad as hell about something. Just wait until things start getting really bad and you will see how quickly a heavily armed civilization can go down the crapper. Doomed? Well, at least the ones without the guns.
7) RELIGIOUS EXTREMISM
The more pressure that people find themselves under, the more easily they turn to emotionally convenient certainties. Does the Pope actually know any more about right and wrong than the average guy? Well, unless he learned it during his Hitler Youth tenure, probably not. I'm sure the Pope is a fine fellow, but people who believe that they have perceived the eternal truth tend to be difficult to deal with when they feel that you haven't. If social and economic conditions worsen in America, we will surely return to our Puritan roots, at least those who don't follow the path of cannibalism, and everybody trying to tell everybody how to live their lives will result in a lot of hurt feelings. Doom? It's at least as likely as salvation.
8) CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE
Somewhere along the way, we decided that the second law of thermodynamics didn't apply to us anymore. Like Ozymandias, we declared our roads and bridges and sewer pipes to be everlasting tributes to our greatness. Our politicians also declared that they were too chickenshit to tell us the truth about what it cost to keep all this stuff working properly and that they would hold off on doing anything long enough to let themselves move on to bigger and better things and let some other poor sucker deal with the ire of the electorate when the shit no longer worked. The electorate, on the other hand, didn't complain much about not paying the true cost of repair and maintenance, so now roads are full of holes, bridges collapse and raw sewerage rains down on the Moleman's head in his subterranean lair. The solution? Stay home and eat cheese. Doom? Without doubt.
9) ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION
The average American throws away more crap in a month than the average Afghan owns in a lifetime. We bury mountains of garbage that decay and invade the water-table; a never ending parade of burrito wrappers is in constant in motion along the streets of our cities; we dump yucky stuff in the lakes and oceans and pump tons of filth into the air and we don't believe in Global Warming because, despite the concurrence of 14 Nobel Laureates, some semi-retarded, washed up meteorologist on Fox News said it ain't true. Mother Nature is going to slap the shit out of us before too much longer. Doomed? Fucking A-plus yes.
10) THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
Many of you may have a little trouble with this one, but it is almost certain that the dead shall rise from their graves to feast upon the flesh of the living before too much longer. This is not too far off from some current situations, like the rich sucking the blood of the poor, or the running-dog lackeys of the rich crushing the middle-class under an oppressive burden of taxation so that the rich may avoid their fair share of supporting the government and contributing to the needs of the society that has given them such unlimited opportunity. Personally, I would not object too strenuously to seas of the living-dead washing over New York's financial district and greedily crunching on the bowels of any hapless stock-brokers that wandered into their path. Nor would it be too sad to see the White House and Capitol overrun by hordes of flesh-eating zombies stripping the fat from legislators and executives alike. In the aftermath of the apocalypse, all the reclusive gun-nuts could gleefully remind us that they told us so and the zombies could form political parties opposing taxation without putrification. There are plenty of weird diseases, dangerous chemicals and silent radiation to get it all started. Would Thomas Jefferson see a zombie apocalypse as a legitimate revolution? Perhaps. Would it doom us all? With any luck.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The Sunshine State
It’s summer time in Florida, and it is quite warm and humid. Most of us go about our daily lives, whatever they may consist of, desperately trying to avoid heat exhaustion or uncomfortable dampness (not to be confused with comfortable dampness) and energy consumption is massive as we strive to both cool and dehumidify the environments in our homes and places of work. In all probability, very few of us dwell upon the sequence of events that delivers the heavenly cool air to our sweaty faces and any thought of possible human or environmental costs are lost amidst the satisfied sighs of those delivered, if only momentarily, from the oppressive 24-hour tropical steam bath.
Ironically, here in June of 2010, many of us in Florida are keeping an eye on the beaches, not unlike Commander Towers, waiting for the end of the world to arrive. There has been a massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico since the 20th of April, and the efforts to address it have been nothing short of a Keystone Cops meets Aqua Man theater of the absurd. The geniuses at BP have finally fashioned a deep-water oil condom that appears to be 27 percent effective, roughly equivalent to the rhythm method, and meanwhile somewhere between 10,000 and 10 billion gallons of oil a day continue to pour into the Gulf, with largely unknown consequences. Here on the West coast of Florida, we have yet to see much of it, but just the idea of its lurking presence has been enough to frighten away tourists and raise the general level of anxiety in a State which has already seen the most extensive collapse of the real estate market and some of the most significant recession related job loss in the nation.
On April 3rd, I posted a blog lamenting President Obama’s decision to support new offshore oil exploration (http://toomuchfuzzylogic.blogspot.com/2010/04/driller-killer.html) Quite prescient timing, one might observe, but it just goes to show that you don’t have to be psychic, or even very clever, to predict bad outcomes from intellectually questionable actions. I don’t really have a point here, other than that being hot and worried is a bad combination and that Florida may be the Sunshine State, but most Floridians have anything but a sunny disposition these days. Decades of poorly regulated development have significantly impacted Florida’s natural charm and inefficient design of infrastructure and massive duplication of services has resulted in high taxation rates relative to the quality of services provided. A lot of retired people live in Florida, I guess because old people can stand withering heat better than they can bitter cold, but it just so happens retired people are often most affected by drops in the Stock Market and uncertainty in the investment environment. Game, set and match.
In addition, based upon the best scientific data, average global temperatures are also gradually rising, so not only will the air-conditioner be running more often, but sea level will rise and some of the most expensive real estate in the world will eventually be underwater. I know global warming is an issue of some controversy among laymen and politicians, but there is a consensus of around 95 percent of the world’s climatologists that warming is occurring, although there is slightly less consensus as to the actual cause, but if you are drowning, your first thought is generally not to inquire about the source of the water. Anyway, Florida has a questionable future ahead of it; I can foresee a time when destitute retirees without Medicare squat in the upper floors of abandoned seaside mansions where oily water laps at the front doors and mailboxes appear and disappear with the tide.
In fact, the whole world faces a questionable future. Our juvenile inability to connect actions with consequences and the widespread ignorance of basic scientific fact, compounded by our desire to put off unpleasant decisions and ignore things that make us feel helpless, will eventually result in quite a bit of unhappiness. Of course, few people care what I think. I’m just a pessimist who doesn’t believe in the God-ordained power of Capitalism to solve all the world’s ills. I lack faith in the wisdom of corporations to understand or promote the best interests of humanity. I don’t believe in faeries. Sarah Palin is way smarter than me, I hope.
Ironically, here in June of 2010, many of us in Florida are keeping an eye on the beaches, not unlike Commander Towers, waiting for the end of the world to arrive. There has been a massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico since the 20th of April, and the efforts to address it have been nothing short of a Keystone Cops meets Aqua Man theater of the absurd. The geniuses at BP have finally fashioned a deep-water oil condom that appears to be 27 percent effective, roughly equivalent to the rhythm method, and meanwhile somewhere between 10,000 and 10 billion gallons of oil a day continue to pour into the Gulf, with largely unknown consequences. Here on the West coast of Florida, we have yet to see much of it, but just the idea of its lurking presence has been enough to frighten away tourists and raise the general level of anxiety in a State which has already seen the most extensive collapse of the real estate market and some of the most significant recession related job loss in the nation.
On April 3rd, I posted a blog lamenting President Obama’s decision to support new offshore oil exploration (http://toomuchfuzzylogic.blogspot.com/2010/04/driller-killer.html) Quite prescient timing, one might observe, but it just goes to show that you don’t have to be psychic, or even very clever, to predict bad outcomes from intellectually questionable actions. I don’t really have a point here, other than that being hot and worried is a bad combination and that Florida may be the Sunshine State, but most Floridians have anything but a sunny disposition these days. Decades of poorly regulated development have significantly impacted Florida’s natural charm and inefficient design of infrastructure and massive duplication of services has resulted in high taxation rates relative to the quality of services provided. A lot of retired people live in Florida, I guess because old people can stand withering heat better than they can bitter cold, but it just so happens retired people are often most affected by drops in the Stock Market and uncertainty in the investment environment. Game, set and match.
In addition, based upon the best scientific data, average global temperatures are also gradually rising, so not only will the air-conditioner be running more often, but sea level will rise and some of the most expensive real estate in the world will eventually be underwater. I know global warming is an issue of some controversy among laymen and politicians, but there is a consensus of around 95 percent of the world’s climatologists that warming is occurring, although there is slightly less consensus as to the actual cause, but if you are drowning, your first thought is generally not to inquire about the source of the water. Anyway, Florida has a questionable future ahead of it; I can foresee a time when destitute retirees without Medicare squat in the upper floors of abandoned seaside mansions where oily water laps at the front doors and mailboxes appear and disappear with the tide.
In fact, the whole world faces a questionable future. Our juvenile inability to connect actions with consequences and the widespread ignorance of basic scientific fact, compounded by our desire to put off unpleasant decisions and ignore things that make us feel helpless, will eventually result in quite a bit of unhappiness. Of course, few people care what I think. I’m just a pessimist who doesn’t believe in the God-ordained power of Capitalism to solve all the world’s ills. I lack faith in the wisdom of corporations to understand or promote the best interests of humanity. I don’t believe in faeries. Sarah Palin is way smarter than me, I hope.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Stone Cold
I recently read this article (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/apr/19/mount-everest-death-zone-clean) about plans to remove tons of trash and most of the frozen corpses that litter the path to the summit of Mount Everest. Foreign tourism is apparently a major source of income for impoverished Nepal and the accumulated jetsam of almost a century of assaults upon the summit have created something less than the pristine environment a wealthy American would expect to find in the inhospitable hell at the top of the world. Cleaning up the garbage is a Chamber of Commerce necessity, because nobody likes a trashy Disney World.
By most estimates there are 120 frozen bodies (give or take) of those who tried, and failed, to reach to the top, or perhaps reached the top but failed to make it back, sitting in various states of repose in the thin, frigid Himalayan air. Since it is something of a superhuman effort to even drag oneself up and down the shear face of Everest, if you croak up there, chances are ain't nobody gonna' carry you down. Since the trip to the summit is fraught with dangers that range from the lack of oxygen, to the fragile, slippery ice, to psychotic Yeti, there is a measurable probability that you will not return. Perhaps that is what makes it such a popular vacation spot.
Humans have been trying to attain the pinnacle of Everest since the 1921expedition led by Colonel Charles Howard-Bury, which was repulsed by the weather 6,000 feet short of their objective. That expedition included George Mallory, who may actually have been the first man to reach the summit of Everest. Mallory, along with fellow climber Andrew Irvine, disappeared while making his final ascent during a subsequent expedition in June of 1924. They were last seen only a few hundred yards from the summit, but their fate remained a mystery until 1999 when Mallory's body was positively identified by an expedition which had been launched specifically for the purpose of determining his whereabouts. Ironically, Mallory was the fellow quoted by the New York Times in response to the question "why do you want to climb Mt. Everest?" as saying "because it is there." No one knows if he died on the ascent or descent. In 1953 Sir Edmund Hillary and his Sherpa guide, Tenzing Norgay, reached the summit late on the morning of May 29th. Hillary, a New Zealander, was knighted by the newly minted Queen Elizabeth II. Norgay, I assume, went back to his slate-roofed hut to endure life without the Order of the British Empire.
I'm not much for mountain climbing myself. I really don't understand the fascination with dangerous pursuits which yield no practical results. Living is itself a risky proposition, and there is an absolute ironclad guarantee that each of us will fall victim to some fatal occurrence during the course of our lives, so to me death-defying feats are really just a form of impatience. I suppose I do to some extent envy those who are able to generate the commitment necessary to endure the hardship inherent in walking to the edge of outer space, something I doubt I would ever be able to do, but perhaps all of this obsessive determination might be better directed towards something more generally beneficial.
We humans are risk takers and restless wanderers who have been driven for hundreds of thousands of years by the prospect that there might be something better over the next hill or across the next river, but there are those rare individuals who accept risks simply to try and discover something better within themselves. I know that friends and family want the closure of a real corpse to bury and the comfort of a resting place to visit, and the Nepalese surely don't want any unpleasant scenery to dampen anybody's spending urge, but if I am Nepal, I carry off the Snickers wrappers and leave all the dead where they fell. Frozen gods in their palaces of ice, haunting the slopes of Everest like Everest haunted their living dreams; both a grim reminder of the mortality of man, and an eternal monument to giving death the finger.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
1000 Ways to Die
Not too long ago, I posted a blog musing about the ten most poisonous animals in the world, but since many of those animals were rare or lived in places humans seldom go, like Cleveland, they were not necessarily the 10 “deadliest” animals in the world. According to Listverse (listverse.com, which may, or may not, have any idea what the hell they are talking about) the following are the 10 deadliest animals by virtue of their actual success in killing people, whether with malice or mercy in mind (please note, some animals are on both this list and the most poisonous list, but I will try to think of new clever things to say about the repeat offenders):
#10) The Poison Dart Frog – The poison dart frog resides in Central America and northern South America, mostly in insufferably hot rain forests where the humans are already four-fifths dead from heat prostration and it doesn’t take much to push them over the edge. The frog itself doesn’t use any poison darts, but it does secrete alkaloids which are often powerful enough to act as neurotoxins and which the indigenous peoples use as poison for the blowgun darts they employ to hunt monkeys, unfaithful wives and other very tasty dinner items. There are no reliable figures on the number of people who are killed by these colorful amphibians every year, but it is apparently less than the other nine creatures on this list. It would probably be more accurate to say that a bunch of damned fools got themselves killed while screwing around with a poisonous frog, which was for the most part probably minding its own business.
#9) The Cape Buffalo – This ill-tempered bovine is common in much of Africa and an adult male weighs in at around 2000 pounds. They are alleged to kill around 200 people per year, most of them hunters who have poor aim. This elevates the Cape buffalo to the status of causation for positive evolutionary change. They have strong, sharp horns which can pierce your flabby belly and rumple your clothing, and they are pretty light on their feet for a big fella’. Humans should not feel too bad though; the Cape buffalo also has been known to kill lions and even attack crocodiles who mistakenly forgot to eat more chicken.
#8) The Polar Bear – It’s no surprise that the Polar Bear kills people. They are mostly revenge killings for global warming. An adult male polar bear can weigh as much as 1500 pounds and stand 10 feet tall, if he were inclined to stand. He mostly just lies around soaking up the sun and waiting to ambush some moron on a snowmobile. Speaking of morons on snowmobiles, Sarah Palin has not yet been eaten by a Polar Bear, but, as Captain Kirk observed, the night is still young. Like most bears, the Polar Bear is naturally lazy and ill-tempered, especially when hungry. They will eat people if there is nothing else available, although they often complain that humans don’t taste fishy enough. They probably haven’t eaten many politicians. Polar Bears International suggest that only 10 people have actually been killed by Polar Bears in the past 30 years, but there are a hell of a lot of pictures on those milk cartons. I’m just sayin’.
#7) The African Elephant – The African Elephant is, guess what, large and ill-tempered. The male may weigh as much as 12 tons and keeps his feelings to himself until he gets mad, and then he smashes stuff, including people that may be irritating him, or just happen to be within his sight. Male elephants are very territorial and will violently dispute possession of generally sub-standard real estate. According to Wikipedia “the social lives of male and female elephants are very different. The females spend their entire lives in tightly knit family groups made up of mothers, daughters, sisters, and aunts. These groups are led by the eldest female, or matriarch. Adult males, on the other hand, live mostly solitary lives.” This sounds very familiar to me. Perhaps that is why it is mostly males elephants that kill somewhere around 500 people every year. Admittedly, most of the victims deserved it, but there is due process, after all.
#6) The Saltwater Crocodile – This reptile is largely unchanged from its cousins of 200 million years ago, who used to eat dinosaurs. At over a ton and up to 20 feet in length, a mature male will eat monkeys, kangaroos, water buffalo, and even sharks. They are comfortable in both salt and fresh water and will swim considerable distances over open seas. Ranging from Eastern India to Australia, the populations of the Saltwater Crocodile have been shrinking for several decades due to the usual human despoliation of their environment. Crocodiles aren’t sentimental and will eat your children without thinking twice. Their typical approach is to simultaneously drag you underwater to drown you, crush you with their powerful jaws, and twist you violently to confuse you and shake loose change out of your pockets. For a man, the most similar experience is going through a divorce. For a woman, the most similar experience is being eaten alive by a crocodile. Saltwater crocodiles kill an unknown number of people each year, and since they generally eat the evidence, accurate counts are difficult to come by.
#5) The African Lion – It is called the African lion because it is now found almost exclusively in Africa, although this very same species used to be common on every continent except Australia and Antarctica. At 500 pounds, a mature male can kill the average human with two paws tied behind its back, but lions are quite lazy and will usually eat only small children and old women, both because they are easier to catch and they make more interesting noises. Lions are primarily nocturnal hunters and will give up after a short chase if unsuccessful in catching their prey off guard, much like many men in bars. It is estimated that lions kill around 100 humans each year, although sadly few of them are Republicans.
#4) The Great White Shark – The reality is that these enormous fish kill relatively few people and attacks are almost always a case of mistaken identity; they probably think we are just overgrown organ grinder monkeys. It is generally believed by people who are inclined to believe things about sharks that sharks don’t like the taste of people. It is possible we are just too full of shit to be palatable. The Great White is found in almost all warm coastal waters and are known to migrate great distances. They are often likely blamed for the mischief of their short-sighted and irritable cousins, the Bull shark. It is certain that humans kill a thousand times more Great White sharks than the converse, but sharks don’t have websites.
#3) The Box Jelly Fish – Neither fish nor jelly, this primitive creature will sting your ass to death. It normally stings little fish and dissolves them but it has wickedly powerful venom and while it has no interest in you, you might get in the way. In fact, the Box Jelly Fish has no actual brain, but causes quite a lot of trouble, much like Tea Party advocates. The Box Jelly Fish is found mostly in the South Pacific and kills over 100 people each year, although it didn’t mean to.
#2) The Indian Cobra – This snake’s venom is not particularly potent, but it makes an obscene amount of it and is pleased to inject you with it if you mess around. It is possible that the hundreds of deaths caused by this snake each year are revenge killings for all that snake charming crap, but the Cobra isn’t talking.
#1) The Mosquito – These little devils don’t really kill anybody, they just infect tens of millions of people with various fatal diseases every year, and millions of the infected die. It’s sort of an analogy to guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people. Of course, you could be pistol-whipped to death. Mosquitoes are everywhere, so don’t bother hiding.
It just goes to show you, no matter how high and mighty we perceive ourselves to be, reptiles, insects, creatures with no brains and mad cows can still take us down. You’re safest in Manhattan.
#10) The Poison Dart Frog – The poison dart frog resides in Central America and northern South America, mostly in insufferably hot rain forests where the humans are already four-fifths dead from heat prostration and it doesn’t take much to push them over the edge. The frog itself doesn’t use any poison darts, but it does secrete alkaloids which are often powerful enough to act as neurotoxins and which the indigenous peoples use as poison for the blowgun darts they employ to hunt monkeys, unfaithful wives and other very tasty dinner items. There are no reliable figures on the number of people who are killed by these colorful amphibians every year, but it is apparently less than the other nine creatures on this list. It would probably be more accurate to say that a bunch of damned fools got themselves killed while screwing around with a poisonous frog, which was for the most part probably minding its own business.
#9) The Cape Buffalo – This ill-tempered bovine is common in much of Africa and an adult male weighs in at around 2000 pounds. They are alleged to kill around 200 people per year, most of them hunters who have poor aim. This elevates the Cape buffalo to the status of causation for positive evolutionary change. They have strong, sharp horns which can pierce your flabby belly and rumple your clothing, and they are pretty light on their feet for a big fella’. Humans should not feel too bad though; the Cape buffalo also has been known to kill lions and even attack crocodiles who mistakenly forgot to eat more chicken.
#8) The Polar Bear – It’s no surprise that the Polar Bear kills people. They are mostly revenge killings for global warming. An adult male polar bear can weigh as much as 1500 pounds and stand 10 feet tall, if he were inclined to stand. He mostly just lies around soaking up the sun and waiting to ambush some moron on a snowmobile. Speaking of morons on snowmobiles, Sarah Palin has not yet been eaten by a Polar Bear, but, as Captain Kirk observed, the night is still young. Like most bears, the Polar Bear is naturally lazy and ill-tempered, especially when hungry. They will eat people if there is nothing else available, although they often complain that humans don’t taste fishy enough. They probably haven’t eaten many politicians. Polar Bears International suggest that only 10 people have actually been killed by Polar Bears in the past 30 years, but there are a hell of a lot of pictures on those milk cartons. I’m just sayin’.
#7) The African Elephant – The African Elephant is, guess what, large and ill-tempered. The male may weigh as much as 12 tons and keeps his feelings to himself until he gets mad, and then he smashes stuff, including people that may be irritating him, or just happen to be within his sight. Male elephants are very territorial and will violently dispute possession of generally sub-standard real estate. According to Wikipedia “the social lives of male and female elephants are very different. The females spend their entire lives in tightly knit family groups made up of mothers, daughters, sisters, and aunts. These groups are led by the eldest female, or matriarch. Adult males, on the other hand, live mostly solitary lives.” This sounds very familiar to me. Perhaps that is why it is mostly males elephants that kill somewhere around 500 people every year. Admittedly, most of the victims deserved it, but there is due process, after all.
#6) The Saltwater Crocodile – This reptile is largely unchanged from its cousins of 200 million years ago, who used to eat dinosaurs. At over a ton and up to 20 feet in length, a mature male will eat monkeys, kangaroos, water buffalo, and even sharks. They are comfortable in both salt and fresh water and will swim considerable distances over open seas. Ranging from Eastern India to Australia, the populations of the Saltwater Crocodile have been shrinking for several decades due to the usual human despoliation of their environment. Crocodiles aren’t sentimental and will eat your children without thinking twice. Their typical approach is to simultaneously drag you underwater to drown you, crush you with their powerful jaws, and twist you violently to confuse you and shake loose change out of your pockets. For a man, the most similar experience is going through a divorce. For a woman, the most similar experience is being eaten alive by a crocodile. Saltwater crocodiles kill an unknown number of people each year, and since they generally eat the evidence, accurate counts are difficult to come by.
#5) The African Lion – It is called the African lion because it is now found almost exclusively in Africa, although this very same species used to be common on every continent except Australia and Antarctica. At 500 pounds, a mature male can kill the average human with two paws tied behind its back, but lions are quite lazy and will usually eat only small children and old women, both because they are easier to catch and they make more interesting noises. Lions are primarily nocturnal hunters and will give up after a short chase if unsuccessful in catching their prey off guard, much like many men in bars. It is estimated that lions kill around 100 humans each year, although sadly few of them are Republicans.
#4) The Great White Shark – The reality is that these enormous fish kill relatively few people and attacks are almost always a case of mistaken identity; they probably think we are just overgrown organ grinder monkeys. It is generally believed by people who are inclined to believe things about sharks that sharks don’t like the taste of people. It is possible we are just too full of shit to be palatable. The Great White is found in almost all warm coastal waters and are known to migrate great distances. They are often likely blamed for the mischief of their short-sighted and irritable cousins, the Bull shark. It is certain that humans kill a thousand times more Great White sharks than the converse, but sharks don’t have websites.
#3) The Box Jelly Fish – Neither fish nor jelly, this primitive creature will sting your ass to death. It normally stings little fish and dissolves them but it has wickedly powerful venom and while it has no interest in you, you might get in the way. In fact, the Box Jelly Fish has no actual brain, but causes quite a lot of trouble, much like Tea Party advocates. The Box Jelly Fish is found mostly in the South Pacific and kills over 100 people each year, although it didn’t mean to.
#2) The Indian Cobra – This snake’s venom is not particularly potent, but it makes an obscene amount of it and is pleased to inject you with it if you mess around. It is possible that the hundreds of deaths caused by this snake each year are revenge killings for all that snake charming crap, but the Cobra isn’t talking.
#1) The Mosquito – These little devils don’t really kill anybody, they just infect tens of millions of people with various fatal diseases every year, and millions of the infected die. It’s sort of an analogy to guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people. Of course, you could be pistol-whipped to death. Mosquitoes are everywhere, so don’t bother hiding.
It just goes to show you, no matter how high and mighty we perceive ourselves to be, reptiles, insects, creatures with no brains and mad cows can still take us down. You’re safest in Manhattan.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Absalom, King of the Israelites
Sometimes I don’t quite get what’s going on with Israel. I do understand that the convoluted political, cultural and military situation in the Middle-East is replete with both heroes and villains of all stripes and that telling the good guys from the bad guys is often largely a subjective exercise. I realize that the United States, Europe and even the Ottoman Empire have all done their share to muddy the waters over the years, but complexity and ambiguity should reasonably call for prudence and nuance, not blunt force trauma. It seems to me, however, that the Israelis, many Palestinian groups and much of the Arab world still inflate their throat pouches in a bellicose manner whenever any divergence of opinion arises, and, as usual, it’s the powerless, and those trying to assist them, who suffer.
I will say up front that I am never going to be receptive to any argument that certain territorial claims are validated by Holy Scripture, so that does not factor into my reasoning. Who owns what in Israel and Palestine is subject to the dictates of history, the realities of power, and whatever common sense of equity we as a world can sustain; just like it is everywhere. I, myself, am currently sitting on land one could reasonably argue Common Law dictates belongs to the Tocabaga Tribe, but since they no longer exist and are, therefore, not here to contest the issue, my fee simple title is not in jeopardy. Everyone’s happiness is to some extent built on someone else’s misery and the Middle East is no exception. Having said that, there is no justification to a process that displaces people and then makes criminals of them for being displaced. Binyamin Netanyahu, I am talking to you.
I believe the collective Israeli psyche is still greatly affected by the many centuries of maltreatment of the Jews by their European hosts, culminating with the surreal horror of Hitler’s wholesale exterminations. I think that this is a real and ever-present factor in Israel’s behavior, not just an emotionally manipulative ploy to garner undeserved sympathy. There is a collective sense of isolation and vulnerability which underlies Zionist thinking and the Nation of Israel was intended to be not just a homeland, but a refuge, maybe even a fortress, for all the Jewish people of the world, even those who weren’t much interested in it. We can all debate the legitimacy of this philosophical framework, but if it is a real concept in Israeli minds, then it has to be given consideration in any analysis of the dynamics of Middle Eastern politics. I’m not saying that your fears don’t make you do stupid stuff; I’m just saying that your fears make you do stupid stuff.
Anyway, the Palestinians have never been too keen on being on the short end of the Judean land rush and many have expressed their discontent in various ways, including through what I consider to be the outright murder of people who have done no wrong. I’m not talking about ambushing Israeli military patrols in the Occupied Territories, which is about as close to fair game as you can get in this type of dispute; I’m talking about Leon Klinghoffer and Israeli Olympians and various other persons minding their own business at outdoor cafes in Tel Aviv. Add to this the constant threat of increasingly sophisticated missile barrage from various adjacent locations, and the Israelis are just about clinically paranoid when it comes to controlling the access of, and to, the millions of disgruntled Palestinians lurking on Israel’s self-designed borders.
So a bunch of people who are sympathetic to the isolated Palestinians in Gaza decide to take them some medical supplies and building materials in a flotilla from Turkey. Even though Turkish officials said they supervised the loading of the cargo, the Israelis are still thinking to themselves that this effort could easily be a subterfuge to sneak military contraband into Gaza City. They hop in their helicopters and fly out beyond their recognized territorial waters and drop in on the aid flotilla, whether to inspect them or discourage them, I’m still not sure. A ruckus ensues which the Israelis claim they didn’t anticipate, although they brought plenty of guns. Anyway, the people on the boats didn’t take kindly to what amounted to Israeli piracy on the high seas and took sticks and stones to the vaunted Israeli commandos, who then succeeded in losing some of their weapons to the angry crowd and then had to open fire in order to defend their lives. As a result, nine people are dead, none of them Israeli, many more are wounded and the Israelis look like both assholes and dumbasses at the same time.
I have always had a certain respect for the Israelis. If nothing else, they have demonstrated a high degree of competence over the years and have often prevailed against staggering odds. The history of Israel is so complex and full of the intrigue of empires, saints and madmen, the Israelis themselves probably have a hard time keeping it straight, but we know it started with Abraham, worked its way up to Menachem Begin booby-trapping the corpses of British soldiers and then, at some point, America and Europe decided to assuage their post-Holocaust consciences by letting the Zionists have the run of Palestine. Apparently not much thought was given to the ultimate fate of the Christian and Muslim Arabs who were already there and, so, here we are.
Like America, Israel is a democratic state which ostensibly respects the rule of law and the basic rights of all humans. Like America, Israel has grown powerful and seldom is forced to drink from the bitter cup of defeat; and like America, Israel has come to be the subject of the disgust and hatred of many in the world, and not just the Arab world. I suspect that this is not because Israel is, as America is not, an evil nation or a deliberate fomenter of suffering or destruction, but because there is such a clear and dramatic disconnect between its stated principles and its behavior. Those who yearn for Zion should be the most cognizant of the wretchedness of the powerless and the moral emptiness of the hopeless; yet Israel continues to value its own fears above fairness, and sometimes even simple humanity, for the Palestinians. They condemn the outrage of the disenfranchised and arrogantly demand authority over lands for which they refuse to accept responsibility, and all of this continually disgraces the nobility of what they strive to achieve.
I have no solution for the problems which plaque Israel and its neighbors. I do not know what it will take to achieve a set of circumstances which will be adequately advantageous to both the Israelis and the Palestinians to allow them to put aside their hatred and fear and live in peace. Perhaps it is a problem that only time can solve; perhaps the solution is beyond the power of the human spirit. I do know that it is both a moral and an intellectual failure to violate international law and kill and maim a few contrary hippies, old ladies from Cleveland and angry Turkish women in headscarves, even if only through negligence, while achieving nothing, when there are so many alternatives which would have been so much more decent and effective in protecting Israel’s security, and the fact that the Israelis cannot admit, or even see, the truth in this is a sad reflection on what Israel has become. David was redeemed of his betrayal of Uriah only through his lamentations and a lifetime of service to justice; Israel better start to get on the side of the righteous, or Absalom will surely be king.
I will say up front that I am never going to be receptive to any argument that certain territorial claims are validated by Holy Scripture, so that does not factor into my reasoning. Who owns what in Israel and Palestine is subject to the dictates of history, the realities of power, and whatever common sense of equity we as a world can sustain; just like it is everywhere. I, myself, am currently sitting on land one could reasonably argue Common Law dictates belongs to the Tocabaga Tribe, but since they no longer exist and are, therefore, not here to contest the issue, my fee simple title is not in jeopardy. Everyone’s happiness is to some extent built on someone else’s misery and the Middle East is no exception. Having said that, there is no justification to a process that displaces people and then makes criminals of them for being displaced. Binyamin Netanyahu, I am talking to you.
I believe the collective Israeli psyche is still greatly affected by the many centuries of maltreatment of the Jews by their European hosts, culminating with the surreal horror of Hitler’s wholesale exterminations. I think that this is a real and ever-present factor in Israel’s behavior, not just an emotionally manipulative ploy to garner undeserved sympathy. There is a collective sense of isolation and vulnerability which underlies Zionist thinking and the Nation of Israel was intended to be not just a homeland, but a refuge, maybe even a fortress, for all the Jewish people of the world, even those who weren’t much interested in it. We can all debate the legitimacy of this philosophical framework, but if it is a real concept in Israeli minds, then it has to be given consideration in any analysis of the dynamics of Middle Eastern politics. I’m not saying that your fears don’t make you do stupid stuff; I’m just saying that your fears make you do stupid stuff.
Anyway, the Palestinians have never been too keen on being on the short end of the Judean land rush and many have expressed their discontent in various ways, including through what I consider to be the outright murder of people who have done no wrong. I’m not talking about ambushing Israeli military patrols in the Occupied Territories, which is about as close to fair game as you can get in this type of dispute; I’m talking about Leon Klinghoffer and Israeli Olympians and various other persons minding their own business at outdoor cafes in Tel Aviv. Add to this the constant threat of increasingly sophisticated missile barrage from various adjacent locations, and the Israelis are just about clinically paranoid when it comes to controlling the access of, and to, the millions of disgruntled Palestinians lurking on Israel’s self-designed borders.
So a bunch of people who are sympathetic to the isolated Palestinians in Gaza decide to take them some medical supplies and building materials in a flotilla from Turkey. Even though Turkish officials said they supervised the loading of the cargo, the Israelis are still thinking to themselves that this effort could easily be a subterfuge to sneak military contraband into Gaza City. They hop in their helicopters and fly out beyond their recognized territorial waters and drop in on the aid flotilla, whether to inspect them or discourage them, I’m still not sure. A ruckus ensues which the Israelis claim they didn’t anticipate, although they brought plenty of guns. Anyway, the people on the boats didn’t take kindly to what amounted to Israeli piracy on the high seas and took sticks and stones to the vaunted Israeli commandos, who then succeeded in losing some of their weapons to the angry crowd and then had to open fire in order to defend their lives. As a result, nine people are dead, none of them Israeli, many more are wounded and the Israelis look like both assholes and dumbasses at the same time.
I have always had a certain respect for the Israelis. If nothing else, they have demonstrated a high degree of competence over the years and have often prevailed against staggering odds. The history of Israel is so complex and full of the intrigue of empires, saints and madmen, the Israelis themselves probably have a hard time keeping it straight, but we know it started with Abraham, worked its way up to Menachem Begin booby-trapping the corpses of British soldiers and then, at some point, America and Europe decided to assuage their post-Holocaust consciences by letting the Zionists have the run of Palestine. Apparently not much thought was given to the ultimate fate of the Christian and Muslim Arabs who were already there and, so, here we are.
Like America, Israel is a democratic state which ostensibly respects the rule of law and the basic rights of all humans. Like America, Israel has grown powerful and seldom is forced to drink from the bitter cup of defeat; and like America, Israel has come to be the subject of the disgust and hatred of many in the world, and not just the Arab world. I suspect that this is not because Israel is, as America is not, an evil nation or a deliberate fomenter of suffering or destruction, but because there is such a clear and dramatic disconnect between its stated principles and its behavior. Those who yearn for Zion should be the most cognizant of the wretchedness of the powerless and the moral emptiness of the hopeless; yet Israel continues to value its own fears above fairness, and sometimes even simple humanity, for the Palestinians. They condemn the outrage of the disenfranchised and arrogantly demand authority over lands for which they refuse to accept responsibility, and all of this continually disgraces the nobility of what they strive to achieve.
I have no solution for the problems which plaque Israel and its neighbors. I do not know what it will take to achieve a set of circumstances which will be adequately advantageous to both the Israelis and the Palestinians to allow them to put aside their hatred and fear and live in peace. Perhaps it is a problem that only time can solve; perhaps the solution is beyond the power of the human spirit. I do know that it is both a moral and an intellectual failure to violate international law and kill and maim a few contrary hippies, old ladies from Cleveland and angry Turkish women in headscarves, even if only through negligence, while achieving nothing, when there are so many alternatives which would have been so much more decent and effective in protecting Israel’s security, and the fact that the Israelis cannot admit, or even see, the truth in this is a sad reflection on what Israel has become. David was redeemed of his betrayal of Uriah only through his lamentations and a lifetime of service to justice; Israel better start to get on the side of the righteous, or Absalom will surely be king.
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