Those Were the Days

Just for the record, I have not watched one minute of the television coverage of the Republican National Convention, nor do I intend to do so. I am one of those close-minded, judgmental people who already know everything and don’t need any new information. Well, perhaps I am being too hard on myself; perhaps it is more like having once tasted a turd, you know it tastes like shit and the next time somebody offers you one, you don’t need to chomp down on it to be certain that you will not find it palatable. Anyway, I have read many of the reports from the biased socialist, communist liberal media and can safely say that there is nothing new under the sun in the world of Conservative America.

 

Also for the record, I have this recurring fantasy of anally raping Ann Coulter while I slowly strangle her with an electrical cord and then I dispose of her nude body in a drainage ditch with several inches of stagnant water beside a state highway in Alabama. I know this says a lot about me, principally my dedication to public service, but I’m not trying to pretend to be some sort of hero; I just can’t stand the hateful and vindictive shit that comes out of some people’s mouths. I am also not sure why Ann Romney is not at home with her sister-wives raising up a passel of young’uns instead of regaling the assembled faithful with her utopian vision of an America where all wealthy white people can live in harmony and freedom, but what do I really know, after all? For example, I don’t know what the hell George Washington intended when he wrote the Magna Carta, but that was a long time ago. Back then, a slave was three-fifths of a person and gasoline was a penny a gallon. People went to church because it was the only place to find a decent hook-up. Land was cheap and anybody who was willing to murder a few Indians could make a life for themselves. Nobody stopped you from beating your wife or smoking dope and the average life expectancy was two and a half years. Everybody had to build their own cold fusion reactors and we were a better nation for it.

 

It seems to me that the most consistent theme in Conservative rhetoric is the loss of something pure in American society. There is an almost obsessive desire to return to some unspecified but nostalgically perfect time or condition when America used to be a better place. A time when the individual controlled their own fate and we were all unified in our belief in God and country. The problem is, of course, that such a time never existed. For every great virtue of the past there are two horrible and intolerable conditions that have to be ignored. The irony here is that my Republican brethren are bigger idealists than I am. They actually believe in the perfection of humanity instead of the interminable struggle to hold back the darkness. Their idea of perfection may be a little on the Third Reich side, but it is not unusual for people to long for a society where there is no conflict, everyone agrees on important things and unpleasant displays of poverty or perversion are hidden away from decent folk.

 

So here’s my analysis. Mythology is parable and allegory, not history or law. The American mythology of our sainted Founding Fathers, the vision and charity of Captains of Industry and the simple, self-gratifying toil of the masses is all delusional shit. It is only valuable in the opportunity it provides us to aspire to be better people and a better nation. As the parade of lost souls at the Republican Convention continues to invoke God and wave the flag and talk about values, they are nothing more than Oprah’s Book-of-the-Month Club discussing some wonderful, inspiring novel they all just read. They are filled with a sense of longing for a world that never existed; sadly Bilbo Baggins and Harry Potter are just idealistic visions of resourcefulness and moral purity. Transforming those visions into reality is not a job for people looking behind them, nor is it a task for the intellectually limited or the culturally inflexible. Bibles and bombs and abortion bans will not fix what ails America, nor will a diminished sense of social responsibility or descent into the hallucinatory hell of unfettered capitalism. If the truth be told, I choose to avoid watching the Republican Convention not because I fear I will, in a paroxysm of rage, hurl something at my expensive flat-screen TV, but because I am a grown man and I fear the senseless sadness of it will make me cry.

Pussy Magic

Meet Todd Akin, a six-term Congressman from Missouri who aspires to replace Senator Clare McCaskill in the U.S. Senate. In his tenure as a Congressman, he has expressed some opinions and served on some committees. He has sponsored legislation to define rape as something like fucking a nun. He has a Master of Divinity degree. He doesn’t support the right to choose to have an abortion, but he does support the right to own a lot of guns and he supports the War on Terror. He likes Paul Ryan, but not in a gay way.

Congressman Akin feels that women who are “legitimately” raped have a greatly reduced likelihood of getting pregnant. This is because of some power that the female body has to reject the sperm of a rapist. Apparently a friend told him this. A friend who is a doctor. Probably a Doctor of Divinity. Undocumented, scientifically inaccurate supposition is an important currency of discourse with people like Todd Akin, and ignoring facts that contradict his previously arrived at conclusions is the foundation of his impish charm. According to an authoritative source which I shall not name because that would violate the rules of ignoramus debate, about five percent of rapes result in pregnancy. I don’t know if this calculation is adjusted for the rape of girls too young to conceive or the rape of men or of ladies past menopause, so a woman could have a greater chance than that of getting pregnant from a rape, unless their secret uterus magic kicks in. In all fairness to Congressman Akin, he did say he misspoke when he found that his comments had been distorted by the liberal media to make it sound like he was an idiot. I respect people who abandon their unpopular principles.

If Congressman Akin were just some ambitious, ignorant megalomaniac shit-ass spouting voodoo nonsense to appeal to the mass of superstitious, retard voters in some backwater, inbred Congressional district, I wouldn’t really care. There will always be shit-holes in America, because freedom and genetic diversity provide for it, but this guy wants to be a Senator and represent the great State of Missouri, wherein lie St. Louis and Kansas City and about six million people; and the true shame of it is that he still has a reasonable chance of doing exactly that.

In 15th Century Europe they burned women for being witches; our sainted Pilgrim forefathers hung women a couple of centuries later for the same offense. It is always women who are getting blamed for freaky shit, usually unmarried women and more often than not, young ones. My theory is that some men are not handling the transition to civilization very well and they can’t get down with the fact that a woman can control the use of her own pussy. That pussy is pretty fucking enticing, and it sucks when you want some and the bitch blows you off. We men can’t understand why that pussy is so fucking irresistible; it must be the work of the devil because it makes us do stupid shit like buying houses and fist fighting our best friends. Ultimately, we resent the fact that we are slaves to pussy and of course we can’t blame ourselves, so the pussy’s owner must be the culprit. You evil, seductive bitches are responsible for this fucking mayhem. Sluts.

The sad truth is that in America we still have primitive minds, male and female, that wish to explain away violence against women as a consequence of nature and not a conscious choice on someone’s part to be a fuck-stick. When Mr. Akin misspoke, what he clearly meant to say was that if you weren’t a skanky whore who deserved to be raped, then God would probably not force you to carry a child you did not conceive out of love as a punishment for your skankiness. Since you can only “legitimately” rape the pure, all you promiscuous slatterns brought this crap on yourself, and we shouldn’t let you escape your well deserved penance by allowing you an opportunity for an abortion, or the status as a victim. What Congressman Akin is trying to say is that you fucking women are less than fucking human and should be treated like fucking animals, and if you allow medieval piss brains like him to get elected, you will be.