On a Clear Day, You Can Seethe Forever

The dark forces of silliness are truly at work in America these days, but, then again, it is difficult to identify a time in our nation’s history when that wasn’t to some extent the case. Silliness, it appears, is often a by-product of freedom, and freedom is what it is all about, baby. I most often get frustrated by silliness not so much because people don’t agree with my opinions, but because often I can’t even find common ground on what the facts are. I am not a subscriber to factual relativism, and while questions like “what does God want us to do?” can only be answered speculatively, a question such as “how many quarters do you presently hold in your right hand?” has a specific answer and, if you have three but you say you have four, then you are simply wrong; you don’t have a “different perspective” or an “alternate view”; either you can’t count, have poor vision or you’re a liar. This is an important point, especially when you are trying to reconcile the disconnect between what a group of people say they stand for and the principles their actions imply.

So, anyway, Glenn Beck has this circus of some sort in Washington, D.C. which is attended by either 1,200 or 2,000,000 people, depending on whether you watch MSNBC or Fox, and he goes on and on about something of which I have no idea since I didn’t participate, but which looks like praying with indigestion. Christopher Hitchens, the terminally ill, atheist, Libertarian curmudgeon whom I love and hate and admire and despise, called it the “Waterworld of white self-pity”; apparently not having thought much of Kevin Reynolds’ meandering 1995 cinematic magnum opus about what happens to the world when all the ice melts. Mr. Hitchens very insightfully puts his finger on exactly what is going on in America right now which I had as yet not been able to piece together.

Undereducated and generally conservative white America, opines Mr. Hitchens, is essentially in mourning over the impending doom of the Eurocentric foundation of American culture and the resulting loss of racial and cultural arrogance which has fueled our smug sense of superiority as God’s chosen nation for so long (my words, not his). Despite years of Internet and decades of television, large, mostly white, segments of America’s population, are genuinely ignorant about, and afraid of, most of the rest of the world. Because the churches have fanned the flames of orthodoxy forever to keep their meal tickets from wandering off and the Government has demonized half the world in order to justify wars of economic convenience and the expansion of the military/industrial complex, many Americans really feel we are about to be overrun by the Visigoths. Christianity is in peril, cornbread is endangered and the missionary position will be a thing of the past. This sense of desperation is resulting in things like the armed civilian border patrols and all the cock-a-doodle-do over the “Ground Zero Mosque”. The coalescing event for these disparate concerns was the election of Barrack Obama as President. Here’s a guy with a foreign sounding name who is not like the guys who were over last Sunday watching NASCAR, a man who had a Muslim father and who actually lived for a time in a foreign country (if he wasn’t born there!). Then he wants to quit killing Arabs and mend fences with the Islamic world. What’s a working class white person to think?

It really had somehow not occurred to me that there was anything going on with the silent soon-to-be minority other than the usual Lee Atwater/Karl Rove manipulation of the ignorant masses combined with the trauma of the worst economy in most everybody’s adult lifetime; but after reading Mr. Hitchens’ missive, it finally dawned on me why I am so uncomfortable with the current state of affairs in our wonderful nation. There are large numbers of my fellow citizens who really believe that something important, irretrievable and wrong is happening in America right now. What I am talking about is not simple racism or the commonplace apocalyptical nonsense of the religiously deranged, but a real fear that a valuable, even paramount, element of human culture is being lost. As wacky as it sounds to some of us, the avalanche of brown skin, open homosexuality, indecipherable religions, unintelligible languages, unfathomable technologies and funny looking people who are clearly just as smart as white folks has evoked a palpable fear that this nation will soon not be under the control of the descendants of the founders, with God-only-knows what consequences for the patriotic and the faithful.

As a 50 year-old white guy from Macon, Georgia, I can actually understand the roots of these sentiments, even if I am prone to laugh when I see them expressed. These irrational feelings are the reason “Constitutionalists” forget that the Constitution says “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof” and that the 14th Amendment prevents States from depriving citizens of rights that the U.S. Constitution guarantees. These illogical fears are the reason Christians forget that they are commanded to love their neighbors as they love themselves. This nuttiness is the reason Glenn Beck has a TV show, not visa versa.

During the course of my interesting but largely wasted life, I have learned that human beings are way more alike in every way than they are different in any way. I have learned that wisdom and fear seldom occupy the same space; and I have learned that ignorance and hate are twins separated at birth and both raised by really bad parents. I know that what my fellow citizens fear is a figment and that the power of the idea of freedom and commitment to the principle of fairness will be irresistible to all who come after us, no matter their cultural roots or genetic heritage. I know that despite the enduring presence of ignorance, fear and intolerance in America that there will always be a place for minority views, even stupid ones, because of the insight, courage and tolerance of the majority of Americans, of every race and creed.

God bless you Mr. Hitchens, even if he doesn’t exist. Mr. Beck, prayer and hard work are empirically demonstrated to work better than prayer alone. Angry looking old white lady, chill; the die is cast and the nation and the world will be better for it. Peter, put away thy sword. E.T, phone home. Thomas Jefferson, you old scoundrel, the father of freedom and race-mixing, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be.

Today in History

The thing I like about history is that it gives one hope. Not necessarily hope that things will get any better, but hope that human civilization will continue in some form, despite the collective arrogance, ignorance, foolishness and stupidity of the human race. It’s not like we’re not smarter than gophers and mina birds and stuff, but gophers don’t have a military/industrial complex to keep under control. One theme that is consistent in history is the prevalence of political and religious extremism in collapsing empires. There’s always some agitated group or another claiming that if we just sacrifice more children to the gods, or kill all the Jews, or cut taxes, or give away all our possessions and worship Bhagwan Buttercup that the situation will stabilize and we’ll be fine in the long run. The problem with these simple solutions is that they are seldom comprehensive enough to address the complexities of the global political and economic conditions that drive change. The problem with complexities is that they are complex, which means they are complicated which means excited people don’t score well on the test.

And so it was, 94 years ago today, that the brave forces of glorious Romania moved against the less-than-brave and glorious forces of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, the last of the Dual Monarchies, in the region of Transylvania. Romania had entered into a secret treaty with the Anglo-Franco-Russian Alliance which guaranteed them substantial territorial gains if the Allies were victorious. Perhaps the Romanians anticipated the substantial tourism economy created by vampire movies, or maybe they just wanted to control the vast mineral wealth. Anyway, based upon the recent successes of the Russian Army against the Austro-Hungarians, they bet on the Allied horse and set their sights on running the demoralized Austro-Hungarians out of Transylvania.

Unfortunately for the Romanians, Russian successes would be short lived as the political unrest in Russia spread and detracted from the commitment to the war. In addition, a scant few weeks after Romanian forces moved into the nearly impenetrably mountainous and heavily wooded terrain, all armies of the Central Powers were placed under the control of the German General Staff, which meant the incompetent Austrian aristocrats that had been mucking up the Empire’s war effort were sacked and replaced with Prussian officers who were way more interested in killing the enemies of the Fatherland than their predecessors had been. German General August von Mackensen had won the Iron Cross in the Franco-Prussian War as a young lieutenant and was in no mood to gratify Romanian territorial ambitions or opportunistic war-making. He set to work beating the crap out of the Romanian army, and by December of 1916, he had routed them and captured the capitol, Bucharest.

Ultimately, in May of 1918, Romania surrendered unconditionally to the Central Powers, but by then the Germans were on the verge of collapse themselves. Following the conclusion of the war, Romania was rewarded by the victorious Allies with most of the territory they had sought to take by force, although the Allies were unable to restore the 335,000 casualties suffered by the Romanians in less than two years. In exchange for their soul, they got the Dacian gold mines which had so drawn the Roman Emperor Trajan 1800 years before. It would appear that vampires are not the only blood-suckers one might encounter in Transylvania.

Anyway, to America’s credit, we have seldom displayed the military opportunism inherent in Romania’s actions in World War One, unless you count the invasion of Canada during the Revolution, the war with Mexico, the war with Spain, the seizure of Hawaii, various invasions in the Caribbean, wholesale genocide of the Native Americans and the depopulation of Diego Garcia, but all those things happened at least 20 years ago. Now that President Obama is in charge, we can rest assured that America’s military will never be used as an instrument of economic policy; that we will never again descend like jackals on the decaying corpse of a foreign empire with the intention of securing lucrative mineral rights or advantageous terms for our corporations. I can feel the change and it feels pretty familiar.

The Truth of Horror and the Horror of Truth

It’s almost football season and school starts soon for my two developmentally disabled teenage sons. Before anybody gets all sentimental and feels sorry for them, my sons are completely normal in all respects; which is, of course, what is wrong with them. I have no teenage daughters, so I cannot speak knowledgably about their behavior, but teenage boys are natural born Republicans; arrogant, narcissistic, self-centered, indifferent to the suffering of others and completely opposed to contributing a dime to the common maintenance. If you are a Republican and are offended by this, so am I. Anyway, my father voted for Richard Nixon three times and I never hated him for his politics, just his lousy parenting skills. What my kids think of me is anybody’s guess, since they will only mumble it under their breath.

Speaking of bigotry and xenophobia, I see that the “Ground Zero Mosque” controversy continues to consume the interest of many decent, hard-working Americans. I have already waxed poetic on this subject, and there’s not much more to say, but this is an opportunity for me to further promulgate one of my key rules, this one being the Wormhole Repairman’s Law of Public Discourse. The law simply states that “the amount of time devoted to the discussion of a public policy issue shall always be inversely proportional to the actual significance of the issue discussed”. It has been pointed out that there are “Ground Zero” strip clubs and other such disrespectful goings-on in the vicinity, but I guess there aren’t many Muslims in the strip clubs, so they’re ok. But really folks, who gives a rat’s ass what they do in New York? I suppose strippers are generally more helpful in getting things like towers to stand up than bringing them down (I emphasize “generally”), so maybe there is an ironic synergy at work. Nonetheless, I must repeat for the sake of emphasis that when “right” and “wrong” are defined by who screams the loudest, this country will be damned well fucked.

I understand that the great Kentucky paragon of virtue, Senator Mitch McConnell, has graciously condescended to take President Obama at his word that Mr. Obama is a Christian. Well, goody; I am quite relieved now. I was afraid that the President might start looking after orphans and widows and stop blowing up Afghans and Arabs to the tune of $300 billion a year. God only knows where we would be if anyone with actual religious principle were to have some influence in what goes on in Washington. Unfortunately, I cannot extend the same courtesy to Senator McConnell; having read all that stuff in the Bible about not throwing stones, and camels and needles, and taking care of the poor and the meek inheriting things, I have come to the conclusion that Jesus was a filthy hippy socialist who wanted to heal the corrosive hatred in men’s hearts and that Senator McConnell is not playing on the same team as Jesus. I did also read that “judge not” thing, so I am officially classifying this observation as an opinion, not a judgment. I’m sure Senator McConnell is a wonderful person and I can only pray that he gets to the gates of Heaven as quickly as possible so that he can begin to reap his well deserved eternal reward.

Did I mention that I am leading the movement to have Glenn Beck’s citizenship revoked? Well, actually no; that would require effort, but I am going to rest upon my overly broad buttocks and pontificate about the Teapublican Party’s intermittent discussions on refining the qualifications for American Citizenship. The system that has served us so well for over 140 years is apparently broken, as indicated by the increasing numbers of citizens who are not of purely European descent. Pretty soon, good old fashioned white people will be in the minority in this country. Clearly this is not what the Founders anticipated when they declared slaves to be 3/5ths of a person. Stupid me; I had always felt that being an “American” was all about believing in the ideals of America; the rule of law (yes, even immigration law), clearly defined and vigorously defended rights, economic opportunity and faith in the ability of a free people to rule themselves in both prosperity and security. I support better control over our nation’s borders for a number of practical reasons, but I am not in favor of turning our borders into killing fields, nor am I in favor of changing the definition of American Citizenship to influence demographic outcomes. I suspect that, if the truth be known, Pedro and Juan, who have just arrived in the country by means contrary to law, may be more committed to a tolerant and pluralistic society than some of the folks who were born here. Now, that doesn’t make their presence any less illegal, but it makes me way less worried about the future of this great nation. Glenn Beck is entitled to his opinion, and, as long as Glenn Beck doesn’t have his way, I am entitled to mine.

In other news, failed Napoleon look-alike contestant, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, has announced that the Persian nation has produced a pilotless drone which can be utilized as a platform for launching cruise missiles. It is important to note that an anagram for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is “Jehad Humanoid Madam”. I will have to consult the Kabbalah to determine what this means, but it can’t be good. Every time Iran duplicates a 1972 U.S. defense technology, they have a big parade and talk trash about raining scorpions on our heads for seven generations and such. Unfortunately, nuclear weapons are a 1945 technology, so they are probably not far off. I am greatly torn on this issue, as I am not a big proponent of blasting people into dust for reasons of political disagreement, but I am also not comfortable with Iran having the ability to produce nuclear weapons. Just for the record, I’m not too comfortable with the idea of anyone having the ability to produce nuclear weapons, us included, but that horse is out of the barn and across town; we still have a chance to address the issue of further proliferation. I only hope we can do it without further baby killing. It should be noted that if Sarah Palin were to be elected President of the United States, we would have the same problem Iran has now with an arrogant dumbass front and center on everything.

Finally, last Friday (August 20th) was the 120th anniversary of the birth of Howard Phillips Lovecraft, American Gothic horror writer and generally sickly dude. He died on March 15, 1937 at the ripe old age of 46 from colon cancer. Lovecraft was not particularly well-known or admired during his lifetime, but after his death he became something of an American Icon and is, in my view, clearly the father of America’s (and by Hollywood extrapolation, the World’s) fascination with mutant creatures lurking in the abyss and all sorts or horrific mutilation and haunted madmen. As a connoisseur of all things horror, I can attest to Mr. Lovecraft’s inky New England fingerprints on literally half of all the stories, books and movies in the horror genre produced in the last 50 years, even if the authors themselves are not aware of their debt to the master. There were a lot of unsavory aspects to Lovecraft’s ideology to be sure; he was clearly bigoted and a social elitist, but perhaps not overly so for the age and place in which he lived, and a few of his stories convey some rather dangerous presumptions about the value of racial purity, but these ideas fit well with his general theme of the decay and corruption of human civilization and the inevitable fall of scientific culture and return to a more natural state of primitivism. To Lovecraft, humanity was created out of the boredom of indifferent, or even malevolent, gods who cared nothing for our fate, and at the heart of all creation lurked a truth so profoundly disturbing that madness was the only possible consequence of human enlightenment; all that and he never even had teenage children. So here’s to you, H.P. Lovecraft; prophet and beggar, visionary and bigot, weak and sickly and a truly frightening man. May Cthulhu welcome you to his watery exile in the infinite abyss, dude.

It Sure is Dark in Here

What’s the story with the Vampire Squid, you ask? Well, Vampyroteuthis infernali, as we refer to it in Ancient Rome, is about a foot long and does not sensually drain the blood from the necks of lusty Victorian virgins. In fact, I’m still a bit uncertain about this whole Victorian virgin concept. Let’s face it, people are people and even wealthy 23 year-old women like sex, if only under specific conditions, one of which is, of course, that I’m not present. We know all that Virgin Queen stuff was crap and a Victorian virgin was probably just someone who had never had sex with their clothes off, or something similar, but less acceptable.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with the Vampire Squid, which is really the last known survivor of a line which originated way back near the Octopus/Squid evolutionary split. In fact, the Vampire Squid was actually identified as an octopus when first classified in 1903, but further research found that it was more sort of like a squid and less sort of like an octopus, although still kind of like both. The Vampire Squid spends its life in the complete darkness at 2000 to 3000 feet down in the temperate climes of the ocean where it need never fear bursting into flames from the sun’s ultraviolet rays or encountering unsavory garlic cloves. Dr, Van Helsing, having no access to the Bathysphere, is also not likely to show up wielding any stake-firing contraptions.

The Vampire Squid gets it name from a couple of interesting physical characteristics. It has silky flaps of skin between its tentacles which make it look like it is wearing a cape, like Bela Lugosi at the opera. Its dark, reddish black coloration, along with its red or blue eyes, contributes to this image. In addition, it has a pair of small fins on either side of its head which have the appearance of bat ears, giving it an overall bat-like form, which is how vampires look when they are flying home at the crack of dawn after having stayed out too late. Vampires, it seems, cannot tell time. There are probably a few other names the Vampire Squid could have been given, such as the “weird-ass looking squid” or the “it’s so damned dark down here I can’t see a frigging thing squid”, but all in all, I think Vampire is just fine.

Vampire Squid have very low metabolic rates due to the lack of oxygen at such depths, so they mostly just float around and get with the cosmic groove. Of course, they have to eat, so they do occasionally grab a passing shrimp or jellyfish which is also just about unconscious from oxygen deprivation. In addition to its caped tentacles, the Vampire Squid has a pair of long filaments which it trails along behind it in the darkness. When these filaments contact something, the squid reverses course and envelopes its prey with its cape. The prey may momentarily think to itself “it sure is dark in here”, but probably not.

On the other hand, if the filaments encounter something that is not a proper prey item, natural selection may occur. In fact, the Vampire Squid has been found in the stomachs of a range of customers as diverse as sharks, whales and sea lions. However, the Vampire Squid has a few tricks up its sleeve(s) for any potential predators. Its entire cape is covered with small, light-emitting organs which can be activated in any of an endless combination of sequences. When threatened, the Vampire Squid will launch into a disorienting light show which confuses the predator long enough for the squid to say a prayer and try to inconspicuously float away. Fish of a certain age may feel they are having a flashback, or that the Good Fairy is coming to give them a pony; in either case, they may forget what they were actually there for. In addition, the Vampire Squid has a pair of larger light-emitting organs on its head which can be employed to mimic the reflective eyes of a larger creature. This may frighten off some predators which may think to themselves “it’s awfully dark around here and I really can’t tell what the deuce that thing is, so maybe I’ll just mosey along”. Of course, the larger predators, like the shark and whale, just might think to themselves “Wow! That’s a big fish! It’s probably way tastier than that skinny-ass Vampire Squid”. Nature, unfortunately offers only what is needed to survive, not perfection.

There’s not much more to the Vampire Squid story. Like the rest of us, they eat and make babies and try not to be eaten themselves, or fall victim to any ponzi schemes. Not to change the subject, but I read a short-story once about a vampire that was on the Titanic when it sank. He couldn’t wait for the rescue boats because they wouldn’t arrive until after dawn, so he had to dive deep down to where there was no sunlight. While he couldn’t drown or starve, the cold and lack of fresh blood made him so weak he sank to the bottom where he remains to this day in a semi-conscious state, waiting for James Cameron to come dredge him up, hopefully at night. A lot of us are like that, waiting for someone to dredge us up, so perhaps we can once again wonder at life and miracles like the dark sky of stars. The Vampire Squid doesn’t care; it is at peace with itself and its place in the Universe, and it makes its own stars.

Truth is Colder Than Space

I am still mourning the death of Pluto as a planet, although the astronomers were at least kind enough in consolation to allow it to revel in the status of “dwarf” planet, which is to my mind not significantly better than “big chunk of ice”; I apologize to any dwarves reading this. Pluto himself is probably not too concerned about his namesake, as business in the underworld is, without doubt, booming. There is something satisfyingly Gothic about Pluto and his henchman Charon wandering the solar system’s nether regions in near darkness, but just about four years ago the International Astronomical Union optioned them to the minors for a planet to be named later and school children now have one less planet to memorize. Science marches on, but for every wonder discovered there is a comfortable fallacy destroyed and the factual underpinning of much of my childhood awe has through time fallen to ruins.

Now comes word that the beloved Triceratops, stalwart enemy of the mighty Tyrannosaur, is naught but an error in judgment; a flawed conclusion of over-tired paleontological minds. Jack Horner (who is of average stature) and John Scannella (size unknown) of Montana State University have brought forward the theory that the Triceratops is just a juvenile version of the Torosaurus. Apparently it has long been something of a mystery as to why there were no fossils of immature Torosauruses when the adult remains were plentiful. Since Triceratops and Torosaurus are found in the same geological time and places, at some point our heroes Horner and Scannella sorted out the puzzle and declared the Triceratops to be nothing more than a rebellious teenager. There is other evidence that supports the conclusion, and the paleontological community has embraced the theory, so it is probably correct, but that doesn’t make me any happier.

Frankly, the Torosaurus does not look nearly as cool as the Triceratops, although in fairness we really don’t know exactly what any dinosaur’s actual appearance was, but there sure as hell weren’t any Torosauruses in that bucket of dinosaurs I played with when I was six. There was T-Rex, Brontosaurus (also murdered by taxonomists), Stegosaurus, Pterodactyl (technically a flying retile) and Triceratops, and a few partially melted army men. Triceratops always stubbornly held his ground against the massive T-Rex and I learned at the age of six that you didn’t have to be the biggest to prevail; you just needed to have long, sharp horns with which to gore the flabby underbelly of the bully. This is the type of knowledge that can either enhance your life or send you to prison, depending on how you apply it. Even the completely bitchin’ Stegosaurus would likely not go a round with the Triceratops over some tasty grass, if grass had evolved then. Now that is all washed away by the inexorable march of truth. The Triceratops probably didn’t stand its ground at all, but rather ran home to mama, borrowed five dollars, illegally acquired a pack of cigarettes and hung out with a bunch of up-to-no-good neighborhood punks vandalizing stuff, unless it was eaten first.

Science is a wonderful process and, despite what Luddites and Baptists will tell you, it is neither evil nor false, but science does require that we remain open to new facts and willing to discard the broken ones. Science does not endorse pride because pride inhibits the admission of error and admission of error is essential to the progress of understanding, as well as to an active sex life. I don’t believe science is the answer to all mankind’s questions, just the answer to those that actually have an answer; the rest, and perhaps the majority, are the province of God. Nonetheless, I still mourn the loss of my comfortable mistakes and false facts and I sometimes wish truth were a bit more consistent with my illogical fantasies.

Anyway, I can still remember when dinosaurs were thought to be reptiles; Communism was powerful and frightening; the President and Congress were respected; there was only one Universe; the Coelacanth was extinct and the Javan Tiger wasn’t; Pluto was a planet and I was young and slim and had a full head of hair. The past is certainly flawed in many ways, but the past is where I have spent the entirety of my life, so I have an irrational fondness for it. Actually, I believe I will now subscribe to the multiple universes interpretation of Quantum Mechanics whereby all possible outcomes of an infinite set of possibilities manifest themselves in some alternate reality. There, somewhere, the indomitable Triceratops resolutely opposes the marauding Tyrannosaurus Rex, its three sturdy horns and armored frill bristling with premature death for any predator hungry enough or foolish enough to give it a go. There are no cigarette butts strewn about, no offensive graffiti, and only one solitary faded tattoo on its tough, leathery hide remains as testimony to any of the Triceretops’ youthful indiscretions.

Don't Lose Your Head Marie

I may have mentioned once or twice over the course of the past couple of years that I am something of a government bureaucrat; a very low level nobody in an enormously complex machine of local governance. As such, it is very much to my benefit to not discuss issues which have more than a very general political significance within the geography associated with my employment. Not so much because people are harsh and vengeful, which they can be, but, rather, because a government bureaucrat, whatever their personal sensibilities are, should always give the diverse and conflicted masses of citizens the impression that said bureaucrat is objective enough to maintain the emotional detachment necessary to make equitable decisions. I often say (repeatedly) that it is not my job to tell people what to think, and logic frequently dictates that I side professionally with people who I would personally prefer to decapitate with a rusty paring knife and partially dump in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Although this may sound like a less than optimal career situation, it is important for the reader to understand that this is a completely necessary element of government in a free nation. Faith in the fundamental fairness of government is required for government to preserve its legitimacy and those of us who have chosen to ignominiously toil in this profession always need to remember that we are only paid for our qualified professional opinions, not our personal ones.

Anyway, that being said, I’m going to sort of violate my rule in an obtuse and obscure manner. Without going into details, or dwelling on specifics, or really even knowing what the hell I’m talking about, I’m going to address the issue of direct democracy in America. As most of you may remember from high school, America is a republic where the nation’s leadership is chosen through democratic elections to represent the people, within constitutional limits. A republic is actually any of a number of arrangements where there is no monarch and at least some definable element of the population controls the functioning of government. That’s why we have ridiculous sounding names for ignoramus dictatorships like “The People’s Republic of China” and “The Poorly Fed and Emotionally Unstable Democratic Republic of North Korea”. They would both technically be republics, but not as we know them. The key issue here is that as Americans, we have committed ourselves to democratic representation and a universal franchise for those of at least 18 years of age, without regard to any other definable qualifications. Whether this is truly wise or not is certainly subject to discussion, but it is the American way (since 1971).

Recent events (in the past 234 years) have led many Americans to question the ability of their elected representatives, especially at the state and local level, to effectively address the pressing issues faced by our nation. Perhaps state and local governments are the target of most of this discontent because they actually provide services to people, as opposed to the Federal Government, which only takes citizen’s money, makes huge bundles out of it, and drops it on Muslims, hoping to either kill or convert them. Many people feel that the influence of special interests, especially as it relates to campaign finance, is so pervasive that it is impossible to establish a majority of representatives who are responsive to what the majority of citizens really want. This appears to be especially true with respect to issues like taxation, control of land development and anything socially divisive, like immigration reform or same-sex marriage. This discontent has led to a fondness for citizen’s referendums or “direct democracy”. The promoters of these approaches believe that by subjecting these various important decisions to a direct vote of the people, we will get a result which more accurately reflects what the “people” want, rather than the bastardized results from co-opted “representatives”.

Direct democracy is a complex and controversial subject which elicits emotional responses from many. But what the hell is it, really? Since in most elections seldom more than 50 percent of those registered to vote actually do, and since nationwide only about 70 percent of those eligible to vote are registered, in most elections less than one-third of those who could vote do vote. Does that mean that two-thirds of those who could vote just don’t care or have no opinion? It would not be unfair in a democratic system to say that if you don’t bother to vote that you can go f**k yourself, but if only one-third of the eligible citizens vote, it is really difficult to say that you have a real picture of the “will of the people”. The reality is that even 50 percent voter turnout is usually pretty optimistic, so the typical turnout is probably more like 25 percent of all eligible voters, and it is not unusual for turnout to be even worse. The point is that a direct democratic approach is no guarantee that you are getting an accurate representation of what the majority of people want any more than the representative approach. You only get a representation of what those who bother to vote want, so there is probably no actual superior electoral purity in public referenda. People chose to vote, or not, for a variety of reasons, but it would not be unreasonable to suggest that the more passionate a person is about an issue, the more likely they are to vote when that issue is at stake. It would also not be unreasonable to suggest that the more passionate one is about anything, the less objective one tends to be and the less receptive one is to contrary information. So, most elections tend to be decided by extremists of various stripes who are unlikely to carefully and objectively consider information, but rather act on emotion, and the side with the most extremists wins. Welcome to democracy.

The Athenians had a form of direct democracy around 400 B.C., but they didn’t let just any lame jamoke wander off the street and participate in the assembly. You had to be a “citizen” and you couldn’t be a citizen unless you had completed your military service. This left out women, slaves, and conscientious objectors. I assume the idea was that you had to earn the right to participate in the governance of the nation, an honor we consider to be a birthright. I’m not in any way suggesting limiting the franchise in America; I’m simply pointing out that there is no realistic nostalgia for direct democracy in America since there has never been a sustained experiment in pure direct democracy at any scale above the level of hippy commune in human history. With 60,000 voting citizens in the assembly, I can scarcely imagine what passed for public debate in Athens 2,400 years ago, but it is almost certain that there was a hierarchy even among free citizens and they probably weren’t taking voice votes.

The problem with all this is that in America we have a fascination with trying to mitigate fundamental human failure through modification of process. There is no reason to think that apathetic and ill-informed voters will be any less susceptible to the influence of massive media expenditures when considering single-issue referenda than they are when electing the representatives they feel don’t represent them. If the influence of money in politics is the problem, then we should address the problem, not the process. If we cannot trust our elected representatives to promote our best interest because their loyalty is to their corporate and political financial masters, then we need new representatives, not new processes. If representative democracy cannot survive the evolution of electronic media and the civic disconnection of diverse communities of interest, then investing unfettered decision-making authority in those who are subject to being inflamed by fear and disappointment, and who are accountable only to themselves, is probably not the best idea. Nothing is, in fact, more American than a cautious attitude towards control of legislative process by the unwashed masses. We don’t have the Electoral College to promote democracy, but to protect against it.

And most people are really sort of ok with that; as am I. Understanding that there is no perfection in any human institution, we must realistically strive to find the least imperfect alternative available. Even the most decent and thoughtful of people will make errors in judgment and sometimes be betrayed by their own biases and failures of reason. The Founding Fathers, in their still often underappreciated genius, established a torturously cumbersome system of decentralized authority which makes it damn near impossible to get anything done unless there is nearly unanimous support for it. This system has bedeviled modest majorities throughout our nation’s history and has been the subject of numerous attempts to overturn it by various political figures from time to time. This system has been imitated closely by most state governments and even has significant analogs among local governments. Proponents of direct democracy would cut through all this Byzantine molasses and shed the dead weight of vested interests and false prophets and renew American democracy by returning a power to the people that the people never truly had. Maybe this is the right thing to do, but I’m not going to be handing my 17 year-old son the keys to the Hemi-Charger, a bottle of Jack and $100 in cash and telling him to celebrate freedom any time soon. Alexander Hamilton would not approve.