The Truth of Horror and the Horror of Truth

It’s almost football season and school starts soon for my two developmentally disabled teenage sons. Before anybody gets all sentimental and feels sorry for them, my sons are completely normal in all respects; which is, of course, what is wrong with them. I have no teenage daughters, so I cannot speak knowledgably about their behavior, but teenage boys are natural born Republicans; arrogant, narcissistic, self-centered, indifferent to the suffering of others and completely opposed to contributing a dime to the common maintenance. If you are a Republican and are offended by this, so am I. Anyway, my father voted for Richard Nixon three times and I never hated him for his politics, just his lousy parenting skills. What my kids think of me is anybody’s guess, since they will only mumble it under their breath.

Speaking of bigotry and xenophobia, I see that the “Ground Zero Mosque” controversy continues to consume the interest of many decent, hard-working Americans. I have already waxed poetic on this subject, and there’s not much more to say, but this is an opportunity for me to further promulgate one of my key rules, this one being the Wormhole Repairman’s Law of Public Discourse. The law simply states that “the amount of time devoted to the discussion of a public policy issue shall always be inversely proportional to the actual significance of the issue discussed”. It has been pointed out that there are “Ground Zero” strip clubs and other such disrespectful goings-on in the vicinity, but I guess there aren’t many Muslims in the strip clubs, so they’re ok. But really folks, who gives a rat’s ass what they do in New York? I suppose strippers are generally more helpful in getting things like towers to stand up than bringing them down (I emphasize “generally”), so maybe there is an ironic synergy at work. Nonetheless, I must repeat for the sake of emphasis that when “right” and “wrong” are defined by who screams the loudest, this country will be damned well fucked.

I understand that the great Kentucky paragon of virtue, Senator Mitch McConnell, has graciously condescended to take President Obama at his word that Mr. Obama is a Christian. Well, goody; I am quite relieved now. I was afraid that the President might start looking after orphans and widows and stop blowing up Afghans and Arabs to the tune of $300 billion a year. God only knows where we would be if anyone with actual religious principle were to have some influence in what goes on in Washington. Unfortunately, I cannot extend the same courtesy to Senator McConnell; having read all that stuff in the Bible about not throwing stones, and camels and needles, and taking care of the poor and the meek inheriting things, I have come to the conclusion that Jesus was a filthy hippy socialist who wanted to heal the corrosive hatred in men’s hearts and that Senator McConnell is not playing on the same team as Jesus. I did also read that “judge not” thing, so I am officially classifying this observation as an opinion, not a judgment. I’m sure Senator McConnell is a wonderful person and I can only pray that he gets to the gates of Heaven as quickly as possible so that he can begin to reap his well deserved eternal reward.

Did I mention that I am leading the movement to have Glenn Beck’s citizenship revoked? Well, actually no; that would require effort, but I am going to rest upon my overly broad buttocks and pontificate about the Teapublican Party’s intermittent discussions on refining the qualifications for American Citizenship. The system that has served us so well for over 140 years is apparently broken, as indicated by the increasing numbers of citizens who are not of purely European descent. Pretty soon, good old fashioned white people will be in the minority in this country. Clearly this is not what the Founders anticipated when they declared slaves to be 3/5ths of a person. Stupid me; I had always felt that being an “American” was all about believing in the ideals of America; the rule of law (yes, even immigration law), clearly defined and vigorously defended rights, economic opportunity and faith in the ability of a free people to rule themselves in both prosperity and security. I support better control over our nation’s borders for a number of practical reasons, but I am not in favor of turning our borders into killing fields, nor am I in favor of changing the definition of American Citizenship to influence demographic outcomes. I suspect that, if the truth be known, Pedro and Juan, who have just arrived in the country by means contrary to law, may be more committed to a tolerant and pluralistic society than some of the folks who were born here. Now, that doesn’t make their presence any less illegal, but it makes me way less worried about the future of this great nation. Glenn Beck is entitled to his opinion, and, as long as Glenn Beck doesn’t have his way, I am entitled to mine.

In other news, failed Napoleon look-alike contestant, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, has announced that the Persian nation has produced a pilotless drone which can be utilized as a platform for launching cruise missiles. It is important to note that an anagram for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is “Jehad Humanoid Madam”. I will have to consult the Kabbalah to determine what this means, but it can’t be good. Every time Iran duplicates a 1972 U.S. defense technology, they have a big parade and talk trash about raining scorpions on our heads for seven generations and such. Unfortunately, nuclear weapons are a 1945 technology, so they are probably not far off. I am greatly torn on this issue, as I am not a big proponent of blasting people into dust for reasons of political disagreement, but I am also not comfortable with Iran having the ability to produce nuclear weapons. Just for the record, I’m not too comfortable with the idea of anyone having the ability to produce nuclear weapons, us included, but that horse is out of the barn and across town; we still have a chance to address the issue of further proliferation. I only hope we can do it without further baby killing. It should be noted that if Sarah Palin were to be elected President of the United States, we would have the same problem Iran has now with an arrogant dumbass front and center on everything.

Finally, last Friday (August 20th) was the 120th anniversary of the birth of Howard Phillips Lovecraft, American Gothic horror writer and generally sickly dude. He died on March 15, 1937 at the ripe old age of 46 from colon cancer. Lovecraft was not particularly well-known or admired during his lifetime, but after his death he became something of an American Icon and is, in my view, clearly the father of America’s (and by Hollywood extrapolation, the World’s) fascination with mutant creatures lurking in the abyss and all sorts or horrific mutilation and haunted madmen. As a connoisseur of all things horror, I can attest to Mr. Lovecraft’s inky New England fingerprints on literally half of all the stories, books and movies in the horror genre produced in the last 50 years, even if the authors themselves are not aware of their debt to the master. There were a lot of unsavory aspects to Lovecraft’s ideology to be sure; he was clearly bigoted and a social elitist, but perhaps not overly so for the age and place in which he lived, and a few of his stories convey some rather dangerous presumptions about the value of racial purity, but these ideas fit well with his general theme of the decay and corruption of human civilization and the inevitable fall of scientific culture and return to a more natural state of primitivism. To Lovecraft, humanity was created out of the boredom of indifferent, or even malevolent, gods who cared nothing for our fate, and at the heart of all creation lurked a truth so profoundly disturbing that madness was the only possible consequence of human enlightenment; all that and he never even had teenage children. So here’s to you, H.P. Lovecraft; prophet and beggar, visionary and bigot, weak and sickly and a truly frightening man. May Cthulhu welcome you to his watery exile in the infinite abyss, dude.