1000 Ways to Die

Not too long ago, I posted a blog musing about the ten most poisonous animals in the world, but since many of those animals were rare or lived in places humans seldom go, like Cleveland, they were not necessarily the 10 “deadliest” animals in the world. According to Listverse (listverse.com, which may, or may not, have any idea what the hell they are talking about) the following are the 10 deadliest animals by virtue of their actual success in killing people, whether with malice or mercy in mind (please note, some animals are on both this list and the most poisonous list, but I will try to think of new clever things to say about the repeat offenders):

#10) The Poison Dart Frog – The poison dart frog resides in Central America and northern South America, mostly in insufferably hot rain forests where the humans are already four-fifths dead from heat prostration and it doesn’t take much to push them over the edge. The frog itself doesn’t use any poison darts, but it does secrete alkaloids which are often powerful enough to act as neurotoxins and which the indigenous peoples use as poison for the blowgun darts they employ to hunt monkeys, unfaithful wives and other very tasty dinner items. There are no reliable figures on the number of people who are killed by these colorful amphibians every year, but it is apparently less than the other nine creatures on this list. It would probably be more accurate to say that a bunch of damned fools got themselves killed while screwing around with a poisonous frog, which was for the most part probably minding its own business.

#9) The Cape Buffalo – This ill-tempered bovine is common in much of Africa and an adult male weighs in at around 2000 pounds. They are alleged to kill around 200 people per year, most of them hunters who have poor aim. This elevates the Cape buffalo to the status of causation for positive evolutionary change. They have strong, sharp horns which can pierce your flabby belly and rumple your clothing, and they are pretty light on their feet for a big fella’. Humans should not feel too bad though; the Cape buffalo also has been known to kill lions and even attack crocodiles who mistakenly forgot to eat more chicken.

#8) The Polar Bear – It’s no surprise that the Polar Bear kills people. They are mostly revenge killings for global warming. An adult male polar bear can weigh as much as 1500 pounds and stand 10 feet tall, if he were inclined to stand. He mostly just lies around soaking up the sun and waiting to ambush some moron on a snowmobile. Speaking of morons on snowmobiles, Sarah Palin has not yet been eaten by a Polar Bear, but, as Captain Kirk observed, the night is still young. Like most bears, the Polar Bear is naturally lazy and ill-tempered, especially when hungry. They will eat people if there is nothing else available, although they often complain that humans don’t taste fishy enough. They probably haven’t eaten many politicians. Polar Bears International suggest that only 10 people have actually been killed by Polar Bears in the past 30 years, but there are a hell of a lot of pictures on those milk cartons. I’m just sayin’.

#7) The African Elephant – The African Elephant is, guess what, large and ill-tempered. The male may weigh as much as 12 tons and keeps his feelings to himself until he gets mad, and then he smashes stuff, including people that may be irritating him, or just happen to be within his sight. Male elephants are very territorial and will violently dispute possession of generally sub-standard real estate. According to Wikipedia “the social lives of male and female elephants are very different. The females spend their entire lives in tightly knit family groups made up of mothers, daughters, sisters, and aunts. These groups are led by the eldest female, or matriarch. Adult males, on the other hand, live mostly solitary lives.” This sounds very familiar to me. Perhaps that is why it is mostly males elephants that kill somewhere around 500 people every year. Admittedly, most of the victims deserved it, but there is due process, after all.

#6) The Saltwater Crocodile – This reptile is largely unchanged from its cousins of 200 million years ago, who used to eat dinosaurs. At over a ton and up to 20 feet in length, a mature male will eat monkeys, kangaroos, water buffalo, and even sharks. They are comfortable in both salt and fresh water and will swim considerable distances over open seas. Ranging from Eastern India to Australia, the populations of the Saltwater Crocodile have been shrinking for several decades due to the usual human despoliation of their environment. Crocodiles aren’t sentimental and will eat your children without thinking twice. Their typical approach is to simultaneously drag you underwater to drown you, crush you with their powerful jaws, and twist you violently to confuse you and shake loose change out of your pockets. For a man, the most similar experience is going through a divorce. For a woman, the most similar experience is being eaten alive by a crocodile. Saltwater crocodiles kill an unknown number of people each year, and since they generally eat the evidence, accurate counts are difficult to come by.

#5) The African Lion – It is called the African lion because it is now found almost exclusively in Africa, although this very same species used to be common on every continent except Australia and Antarctica. At 500 pounds, a mature male can kill the average human with two paws tied behind its back, but lions are quite lazy and will usually eat only small children and old women, both because they are easier to catch and they make more interesting noises. Lions are primarily nocturnal hunters and will give up after a short chase if unsuccessful in catching their prey off guard, much like many men in bars. It is estimated that lions kill around 100 humans each year, although sadly few of them are Republicans.

#4) The Great White Shark – The reality is that these enormous fish kill relatively few people and attacks are almost always a case of mistaken identity; they probably think we are just overgrown organ grinder monkeys. It is generally believed by people who are inclined to believe things about sharks that sharks don’t like the taste of people. It is possible we are just too full of shit to be palatable. The Great White is found in almost all warm coastal waters and are known to migrate great distances. They are often likely blamed for the mischief of their short-sighted and irritable cousins, the Bull shark. It is certain that humans kill a thousand times more Great White sharks than the converse, but sharks don’t have websites.

#3) The Box Jelly Fish – Neither fish nor jelly, this primitive creature will sting your ass to death. It normally stings little fish and dissolves them but it has wickedly powerful venom and while it has no interest in you, you might get in the way. In fact, the Box Jelly Fish has no actual brain, but causes quite a lot of trouble, much like Tea Party advocates. The Box Jelly Fish is found mostly in the South Pacific and kills over 100 people each year, although it didn’t mean to.

#2) The Indian Cobra – This snake’s venom is not particularly potent, but it makes an obscene amount of it and is pleased to inject you with it if you mess around. It is possible that the hundreds of deaths caused by this snake each year are revenge killings for all that snake charming crap, but the Cobra isn’t talking.

#1) The Mosquito – These little devils don’t really kill anybody, they just infect tens of millions of people with various fatal diseases every year, and millions of the infected die. It’s sort of an analogy to guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people. Of course, you could be pistol-whipped to death. Mosquitoes are everywhere, so don’t bother hiding.

It just goes to show you, no matter how high and mighty we perceive ourselves to be, reptiles, insects, creatures with no brains and mad cows can still take us down. You’re safest in Manhattan.