Feelin' Kinda Snaky

I just finished reading about the “ten most poisonous animals in the world”. You can check this out for yourself at http://villageofjoy.com/10-most-poisonous-animals-in-the-world/. The pictures are really cool. As we all know, the world is full of poisonous creatures; we visit some on holidays and regrettably work with others, but the guys on this website will do more than hurt your feelings or tarnish your reputation. Poison is apparently really convenient if you are trying to eat something that takes exception to being eaten or trying not to be eaten by something which may find your poison objectionable. Some of these creatures are damned unreasonable, however; why does anything need venom so powerful that one drop can kill 20 humans? The Cone Snail happens to enjoy this distinction, but it can’t crawl fast enough to overtake an unmotivated inch worm, let alone a human.

The champion poisonous creature is the Box Jelly Fish. At about 10 inches across, it’s not particularly large and a fully developed adult will weight only about 4 pounds, but it does have about 10 feet of wispy tentacles which have been responsible for around 6,000 human deaths since the mid-fifties, which is apparently when they started keeping track of such things, although with the Cold War and all I’m not certain what prompted that particular statistical pursuit. Box Jelly Fish only live about a year, so maybe they are resentful and want to take a few of us with them. Sea turtles are immune to their venom and eat Box Jelly Fish in large numbers. Humans don’t eat Box Jelly Fish, so you would think the Box Jelly Fish would be smarter to have a poison that killed sea turtles. Go figure.

The King Cobra weighs in at number two, but it is way too commonplace to inspire much fascination. Its venom isn’t particularly toxic, but it tends to inject an insulting amount of it, so humans are relatively frequent fatalities. It mostly just eats rats, but the King Cobra also markets its own brand of malt liquor. The aforementioned Cone Snail gets third place; its venom is unique in that its most serious effects can be delayed for days, much like the effects of King Cobra Malt Liquor. The Cone Snail lives in the ocean, so, if you’re afraid of the ocean, you should be ok.

Number four on the list is the Blue-Ringed Octopus. This diminutive relative of the pirate unfriendly Kraken will bite your ass and then you will stop breathing. It’s not that you will want to stop breathing; it will just happen that way. Fortunately the Blue-Ringed Octopus only lives in the Western Pacific and mostly kills curious Japanese children. Number five is the rather dramatically named Death Stalker Scorpion. I don’t know if this scorpion is supposed to be stalking Death, which would be sort of ballsy, or if it is just unpopular. The pain of its sting is said to be unbearable, and then fatal. Why it wouldn’t just kill you first and spare you the pain is a mystery to me, but it does live principally in the Middle East, so it is probably contentious by nature.

The Stonefish is number six. It is a rather homely, but generally unremarkable, member of the fish family. It sort of looks like a rock, hence the name. Based upon the disagreeable expression on its face, it probably just wants to be left alone, like grandpa when he’s constipated. It has spines on its back which deliver potent venom, like grandpa when he’s constipated. Number seven on the list is the Brazilian Wandering Spider. This spider kills more humans than any other, including, apparently, those giant spiders from Attack of the Giant Spiders, No one knows why it wanders, but its venom is known to cause prolonged and painful erections in its human male victims (I’m not making this up), so it may just be getting the hell out of Dodge. You should probably avoid the Brazilian Wandering Spider for the foreseeable future since it is going to be pissed that it is just the number two arachnid on the most poisonous list.

The Inland Taipan of Australia is number eight, and it is actually the most venomous snake in the world, with venom 300 times more potent than the King Cobra, but because it is so stingy with its poison, it is not as fatal. I have also never heard of Inland Taipan Malt Liquor, although I don’t get out much. The Inland Taipan is rather shy and doesn’t get out much either. Number nine is the Poison Dart frog. This dude is actually a fluorescent blue, just so you don’t mistake him for any of his less lethal cousins. Native to Central and South America, a very tiny drop of this frog’s poison is enough to kill you. The indigenous peoples of the region have used the poison on the darts of their blowguns (hence the name) for centuries to hunt animals and kill arrogant white men who disrespect their wholesomely arcane cultures. They may even kill Brazilian Wandering Spiders with the darts, but only after the erection subsides.

The least poisonous of the most poisonous is apparently the Puffer Fish. The Japanese, who are often admired for their intellectual prowess, eat these poisonous fish, called Fugu, and die at the rate of five to six very intelligent people per year because of it. It is not known if the dishonored chefs who have prepared the fatal meals commit ritual suicide, but certainly they lose their chef’s licenses. In Korea the delicacy is known as Bok-Uh, which may very well be a homophone of the last words of a recent victim. It is my understanding that Mrs. Puff, SpongeBob Squarepant’s driving instructor, is a Puffer Fish, but she really doesn’t seem the type to paralyze your diaphragm. It’s a wonder Mr. Krabs hasn’t sold her to the Sushi Hut.

Anyway, nature (or other such non-specified intelligent or probabilistic designer) sure does make some freaky critters. I have to assume that, for the most part, these fellow residents of Planet Earth are pretty indifferent to us and really don’t have much desire to dissolve our innards or impair the efficacy of our neuronal data transmissions. They just do their thing and, if we happen to blunder into their groove, we get dosed with the nasty juice and holler like a little girl until we get better or die. Since I seldom venture to South America, African desserts or the Great Barrier Reef, I think the necessary respectful caution is a small price to pay for the fascinating diversity of life on Earth. Perhaps we humans could even learn a little something from creatures that possess great destructive power, but never employ it as an instrument of anger or pride.