It's Good to Know

I spend a lot of time these days watching television and surfing the World Wide Web. Despite my wife’s insinuations, it is not because I am an antisocial loser who is unable to connect emotionally; it is because I am broke and my back hurts. I am fascinated by the world and all its glorious irony and would love nothing better than daily traveling the globe attending political rallies, swamp buggy races, vegetable festivals, ritual circumcisions, two-day sales, Beat poetry readings, executions and Guinness record attempts, but I am stuck in a dead-end job, supporting two ungrateful teenage children and a dog with a rash, so I have to make careful use of my available free time.

In the course of my recent review of the world’s electronic media offerings, I have learned many new and exciting things. I now know, for example, that Mel Gibson is not a racist. This is because Whoopi Goldberg says he is not. I am inclined to believe her, as she was in many episodes of Star Trek. I am almost certain, however, that her true given name is not Whoopi. If it is, her parents should probably be prosecuted, as should her hair-dresser. Mel is an interesting fellow, and we know that he doesn’t like Jews when he has been drinking, and that he has a rather bizarre interpretation of Catholicism, but perhaps that is a redundant observation. He is also apparently very concerned that the mother of his most recent child will be gang-raped by “n*gg**s” if she does not dress more conservatively. Oksana Grigorieva is a very lovely young lady, and I’m sure that Mel is just trying to look out for her, which is why he never really hit her very hard. If I were Mel, I would avoid South Central for a while. For the record, Mel hasn’t said anything about anybody raping Whoopi Goldberg, but even violent misogynists have their limits.

How about those lazy unemployed people? I hear that there is something of an epidemic of worthless Americans taking their $250 a week checks and acquiring cocaine and hookers. I can certainly understand why many American Conservatives are concerned about this; principally because it could drive up the price of cocaine and hookers. It is truly shameful that we have so many people in America who would rather stay home all day and watch re-runs of Mayberry RFD than get a high-paying job with health insurance and paid vacation; go figure. I for one certainly do not want my hard earned tax dollars to go to any unemployed persons; I prefer to invest in tax breaks for the wealthy and more cluster bombs for Afghanistan. We need to get our priorities straight.

A Federal court in New York has determined that the FCC’s current regulation of profane speech on television is unconstitutional. This came as some surprise to me, as I was unaware that there were still any restrictions being enforced. Has the FCC not heard of Eric Cartman? Anyway, I personally am not in favor of any limitations on the freedom of speech of any kind, because that’s how I roll, but I feel the court’s conclusion that restrictions on cursing will have “the effect of promoting wide self-censorship of valuable material which should be completely protected under the First Amendment” may not be completely on target. After all, which requires more creativity; ‘fuck you bitch”, or “powder my anus you slimy, bow-legged chunk of syphilitic baboon excrement”? I’m just sayin’. Of course, I have two teenage sons and a wife who is not easily amused, so I put on Katt Williams DVD’s just to minimize the quantity of F-bombs.

Anybody remember that oil spill thing in the Gulf of Mexico? I understand BP is going to make some sort of an effort to resolve it very soon. This comes as something of a relief to me, since I was concerned that hundreds of millions of gallons of poisonous crude oil might spew into the waters of the Gulf unabated for months on end, causing irreparable damage to the marine eco-system. I am big enough to admit when I am wrong and I would like to thank BP Oil especially for all their prompt efforts and diligent preparation. This has restored my faith in the value of good corporate citizenship.

I see the lower house of the French Parliament has approved legislation banning the wearing of burqas and niqabs which cover the face. The bill will now go on to the upper house of the French Parliament, which is apparently located somewhere above the lower house. The French legislators are concerned that these manifestations of religious devotion “don't square with the French ideal of women's equality or its secular tradition”. Apparently women’s equality in France does not equal the right for a woman to choose her own mode of dress. If they wanted to pass a law against a husband beating his wife if she didn’t wear what he wanted her to, that might make a little more sense, but who am I to argue with the wisdom of the representatives of the French people. I, myself, am fundamentally opposed to burqas, primarily because I find the female form and face to often be most compelling, and I feel that the beauty of God’s creation should not be unreasonably concealed, but religion is and must remain a personal journey and you need to dress appropriately.

George Steinbrenner dropped dead at the age of 80 this week. I didn’t know Mr. Steinbrenner and I suppose he could have been a fine fellow, but I am somewhat less than comfortable with much of the post mortem adulation and semi-deification occurring, especially down here around Tampa where he lived in retirement. George was, you may recall, convicted in 1974 of a felony conspiracy charge involving illegal contributions to Richard Nixon’s re-election campaign, and he offered to the FBI to rat out some of his alleged co-conspirators in exchange for greater leniency than the rich man’s leniency he was already going to get. Of course, one mistake does not invalidate a person’s entire life, but I have always felt the New York Yankees under Steinbrenner’s ownership represented all that was wrong with America; greed, arrogance and mistaking acquisition for accomplishment.

The Vatican says, as recently as today, that ordination of women as priests constitutes a “grave crime”. Apparently the Vatican has a hierarchy of crimes and women priests rank right up there with rape and murder as moral offenses. I am very often quite torn between advocating religious tolerance and blowing the whistle on ridiculous, medieval crap, so this is a tough one for me. Suffice it to say, I will not be sending the Pope any money anytime soon. People are entitled to their religious beliefs, even when I may find them laughably silly, but I do not accept that any organization ostensibly dedicated to truth, justice, love and forgiveness can exclude people from important functions based solely upon their gender and still pretend to be anything but an archaic, irrelevant vestige of the Roman Empire.

Finally, a dog in Macungie, Pennsylvania was recently accidently left in a closed car after getting in the car unnoticed by its owner while she was unloading some packages. The dog, a chocolate Lab, may have been planning to go for a drive and had forgotten its license in the house, or perhaps was just looking for some Skittles under the seats, but it was quite a warm day and the dog’s owner had subsequently gone inside to enjoy the lovely conditioned air when she heard a car horn blaring. After a few moments the noise became annoying and she peeked outside to see where the thoughtless driver was parked. That was when she observed the dog standing in the front seat of the car with its paws on the horn. I like dogs; dogs are very practical creatures, but this one was a show-off. After all, why not just open the door?