Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Think, Don’t Care

(Warning: Plentiful Foul Language and Sexual References Ahead. I Mean It!)


I must applaud the Republicans in Congress for once again defending the freedoms of the American people against the Trotskyite Democratic menace. This time they have put aside petty political considerations and their ritual pandering to ignorance and hate and courageously sustained a filibuster in the Senate, effectively preventing a vote to determine the majority stance on the clearly immoral attempt to repeal the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” accommodation with the Devil for Gays serving in the military. God bless these stalwart defenders of truth and virtue. What the fuck is a filibuster anyway? It sounds like it should be a condom brand. “The New Filibuster Magnum XXL, For the Manliest Among You!” That would be the Republicans for sure.

I have to confess that I don’t really understand the Gay thing, but I don’t understand Calculus or covalent bonding either. Anyway, this lack of understanding is principally why I believe sexual orientation is largely genetic, because you can’t have that sort of attraction if you aren’t made that way, but whether it’s choice, chance, or some combination of the two, how can private sexual behavior have any bearing on whether you can serve in the United States military? You can certainly be a backwards-ass motherfucker and serve in the Senate; I don’t see how a little anal intercourse or some occasional all-girl scissoring clitorama action would make you unfit to go to foreign countries and kill people in the name of freedom and justice. This is the kind of crap that keeps me from ever considering voting for a Republican. I am well aware of the intellectual and accounting flaws of the Democratic Party, but I would truly rather live in an economically dysfunctional, bankrupt shithole of a country than labor under the oppressive theocracy of people who don’t understand what getting government out of the private lives of its citizens really means and who attempt to pervert the wisdom of Christianity into some sort of allegory of juvenile male embarrassment at anything that makes them uncomfortable. The ironic fact here is that Mitch McConnell is a way bigger cocksucker than Barney Frank ever considered being. The sick hypocrisy of these “Christian” “patriots” makes me want to puke, really. I’m already heaving.

Ok, so you can’t be Gay and serve in the military. Wait, I’m sorry; I misstated the policy. You can’t be Gay and tell the truth and serve in the military. I suppose it’s ok to be a Gay liar and serve, whatever advantage that may bestow on the nation. What’s next? You can’t admit you’re Gay and vote? If you admit you’re Gay, you can’t be a hairdresser? (Ouch) Where does it stop? You can’t serve if you have a leather fetish? You haven’t had heterosexual contact in the last two years, so you’re out? What is up with this nation’s fascination with who’s doing who? I just don’t get it. We are trying to fight half a dozen wars of world domination in God-forsaken places that no American would visit for 15 minutes without a tour-guide, a tank and air cover, and we are turning away patriotic Gays who weirdly enough want to serve in the military at a time of pointless and seemingly endless war. Who comes up with this nonsense?

Here are the facts as I personally know them. There are Gays in the military right now. I was in the Army in the late 70’s and there were known Gays serving right alongside the rest of us, male and female. Us guys knew there were some girls you shouldn’t waste your vodka on unless you wanted help tuning up your Jeep, and there were guys clearly queerer than Malaysian money cleaning their rifles just like the rest of us. Now that I think about it, it is suspicious that the high command never noticed that those rifles were a bit TOO clean. Anyway, nobody cared, except the usual handful of maladjusted simian homophobes and assorted drowned-in-the-blood-of-Jesus types, and that one guy who pined away for the cute, chubby Mexican-American lesbian girl with the spider tattoo; I felt bad for him. Otherwise, Communism was defeated in short order and nobody was turned any more perverted than they already were to start with.

None of the arguments that anyone makes for preventing Gays from openly serving in the military make any sense, unless you are pursuing the implementation of your religious principles with my tax money, in which case you can go fuck yourself. Let’s just let all the Gays serving keep it on the down low so the homophobes have to suspect that everyone in the shower is eying their Johnson. Let’s accommodate in our soldiers the very irrational fear and illogical hatred that we are fighting to eradicate from the ass ends of the Earth. Let’s think like the Taliban, act like the Taliban and reap the benefits of a Taliban controlled society for ourselves. All John Boehner needs is a turban, four wives in shuttlecock burqas and an eye patch and he can compete in the Mullah Omar be-alike contest. Thomas Jefferson was probably too busy sneaking down the alley with Sally to worry about shit like this, but I don’t think he would be on board, and you now fucking-aye that Ben Franklin would not party with the Republican Party.

We Americans enjoy the hard-won right to express our opinions and participate in our own governance, and the common defense; well, most of us anyway. I am willing to bet that there were some queer sons-of-bitches on the beaches in Normandy, although they probably had to hide who they truly were from just about everybody and perhaps even died there as emotional ciphers. There were probably also some desperately wanting-to-be-flaming faggots on both sides of the line at Chickamauga, where the creeks ran red with blood. With all the help the French gave us, you know there was some of that love that didn’t even know it couldn’t speak its name trailing around with the Continental Army. The fact is, Gay people are just people; people, who have participated in the life of this country since the very beginning and have paid for freedom with their blood, sweat and tears, and their very lives, just like the rest of us. Fuck you Mitch McConnell, and the horse you rode in on.