Weekly Douchebag Roundup

I read somewhere that Christine O’Donnell is a witch, or something. I seem to remember some tests that can be conducted for witchery (or witchiness, or witchism), but I think they involve dunking a candidate in water and observing their buoyancy. This sounds very scientific, so I’m not sure Christine would approve. I do recall that Sarah Palin has a buddy in Africa who is a certified witch hunter, so maybe he could lend a hand. It is very important that we keep witches under control, since they may turn people into newts, and we don’t need any more Newts in America.

Speaking of witches, Meg Whitman, the Republican candidate for the Governorship of California, has been accused of employing at least one illegal immigrant as domestic help in the past, but I am sure it’s all just a misunderstanding, what with the language barrier and such. After all, the woman, Nicky Diaz, only worked for Ms. Whitman for nine or ten years, not really enough time to get to know anybody’s individual circumstances. Ms. Whitman has been very clear about her concerns about illegal immigration, so this misunderstanding is quite the irony and has fueled substantial criticism from her Leftist opponents. What the Socialists have failed to understand, however, is that the rules don’t apply to rich people. That’s why they spend all that time getting rich.

The same type of criticism has been lodged against Lou Dobbs, the eloquent and completely objective former CNN contributor. Dobbs, best known for his humility and self-effacing humor, has been accused by no less than “The Nation” magazine, the official publication of the American Socialist/ Marxist Freedom Haters Party, of knowingly hiring workers not legally eligible to work in the United States. The blasphemous expose’ even went so far as to imply that Dobbs is a cheap ass who took advantage of his employees by virtue of their illegal status. Whatever happened to American respect for thrift? Why would you pay any more than you have to? It’s really sad that people can’t see that the rules don’t apply to rich people. That’s why we should elect some and avoid all those messy rule compliance issues.

A recent poll by the Associated Press finds that Caucasian Americans without college educations support Republican candidates for Congress about 2 to 1 over Democratic candidates. I shouldn’t have to explain how this makes complete sense, but just for the record, education is defined as “the act or process of imparting or acquiring general knowledge, developing the powers of reasoning and judgment, and generally of preparing oneself or others intellectually for mature life.” I could go on, but what would be the point? The thing that I find interesting about this general subject area is that it appears that intellectual elitism is widely disparaged in America, but economic elitism is not simply tolerated, but expected and endorsed. If I possess greater knowledge, I will be resented, but if I possess greater wealth, I will be envied and admired. Too bad I’m a poor genius, along with being relatively unattractive and having a borderline personality disorder.

A recent poll by the Public Relations Research Institute indicates that 2/3rds of Americans believe the minimum wage should be raised significantly. Presumably few of these people are Caucasians with no college education, a potential beneficiary of such an action. The arguments against raising the minimum wage are compelling. Principle among them is the idea that it will cost businesses too much and they will have to reduce their campaign contributions to the Republican Party. Joe Miller, a Republican candidate for Senate in Alaska says that the minimum wage is unconstitutional, and he is a Yale educated lawyer. By his same extraordinary reasoning, which I am too indifferent to summarize here, child labor laws are also unconstitutional, as are environmental regulations, civil rights legislation and the Federal income tax, all things that have admittedly been ruining America since our pinnacle of 19th Century greatness.

At least there are some sane people in America. Take John Reed, for example. Mr. Reed is the pastor of the church attended by one Sharon Angle, Republican candidate for Senator in Nevada. Mr. Reed recently spoke out against Ms. Angle’s opponent, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Part of his criticism was that Mr. Reid’s church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, was a “cult”. Thank God someone finally had the courage to say what we have all been thinking. How absurd is it to believe that Jesus Christ died by crucifixion, descended into Hell for three days, rose from the dead, and THEN flew over to North America to live and teach among the Native Americans? What kind of a simpleton would believe such a thing? Mr. Reed should be applauded for pointing out the clear difference between his completely legitimate and entirely rational religious enterprise and the brainwashed minions of Mormonism.

Anybody ever heard of Jim DeMint? He’s a Senator from South Carolina; one of the great progressive states of THESE United States. He doesn’t believe in separation of church and state or abortion in cases of rape or incest. He believes we need to make English the official language of the country and that all illegal immigrants should be expelled so that they can return to their country of origin to begin the process of legally applying for the right to immigrate to the Confederate States of America. Whoops. I wonder if Meg Whitman and Lou Dobbs know about this. Anyway, Senator DeMint has written a book, Saving Freedom: We Can Stop America's Slide into Socialism (Fidelis, Nashville, 2009). I haven’t read it, but I can tell it’s cool by its title. Stopping socialism; yep, that’s America’s most pressing issue right now.

At this point, two very comforting things occur to me. In five billion years, the sun will exhaust its supply of hydrogen and begin fusing helium into beryllium, raising its surface temperature substantially, and thereby expanding massively, and engulf the inner planets, which will be completely incinerated. The other thing is that I’m playing golf next Friday. Don’t worry; be happy.