Bird-Brain Flu

I can say, completely without irony, that the chickens will always come home to roost. That is in fact what chickens do. Some inferential statistical analysis of the empirical data on chickens will indicate a strong correlation between the state of being a chicken and the act of coming home to roost. The problem is that objective, scientifically valid data is hard to come by these days. I’m not going to spend the hours necessary to recount the bizarre war on science that has been raging for the past 250,000 years, most recently no longer the province solely of the Church, but led in fact from the basement of the White House in the Office of Science and Technology Policy of the recently disposed Bush Administration. Now in case you are about to forward on to the next blog instead of reading more of my fanatical, irrationally obsessive hatred of Republican idiocy, take heart; I am going to denigrate a bunch of other people too.

Actually, it is pretty simple. My thesis is that denying science and being driven by preconceptions and arbitrary religious limitations on thought are unpatriotic, even treasonous. America continues to suffer the schizoid contradiction of being fascinated with, and addicted to, new technologies, while at the same time being largely scientifically illiterate and deeply suspicious of the scientific process. In my opinion, the logical consequence of this denial of reason is the United States ultimately being surpassed in economic, political and military power by a host of other nations. While we are debating which line of stem cells may be used for Federally funded research, mad scientists in other nations are cloning humans in order to create an army of undead warriors with super-human strength and no conscience; we need in on some of that action because the College Republicans do not have super-human strength.

Sarah Palin and her witch-hunting pastor are respected as defenders of American virtue by a significant minority of the American people and substantial elements of the American public think that “Intelligent Design” should be afforded the same scientific respect that the concept of evolution by natural selection is given in America’s classrooms. What is lost here is that chicken bones and rosaries will not protect us from the Chinese death ray or North Korea’s Kung Fusion bomb. When the Russians perfect time travel and go back and change all of Barrack Obama’s high school grades, we’re going to be pretty much screwed.

We rule the world because we have invisible airplanes and can see what number Bin Laden dials on his cell phone from our orbiting satellites. We have remotely piloted, missile launching drones, can simultaneously monitor all the world’s communications looking for key phrases like” the bomb I just planted at 12th Avenue and West 57th Street will detonate in 12 minutes”, and have gun sights that can see through concrete to find the soon to be dead inhabitants inside.

We are powerful because we understand how the world really works. Religious faith can be a wonderful thing, but God certainly did not stuff this massive computer into our craniums solely to absorb the vibrations from healing crystals. So here it is, there is no Bigfoot. Aliens do not visit Earth. The Earth is getting warmer and it is likely primarily the result of man’s actions. Evolution is a real natural process that resulted in, among other things, our existence. Fortunetellers are frauds; the Loch Ness Monster is a tourist scam, and ghosts are the result of misinterpretations of events and over-active imaginations. There is no nation-wide conspiracy of Satan-worshipers sacrificing babies; Oswald killed Kennedy all by himself; and the World Trade Center was destroyed by several homicidal Arab gentlemen who hijacked passenger jets and rammed them into the buildings.

Knowledge is power; power is control; and control is survival. Survival is good. Being technologically inferior is bad. If you don’t want to fund volcano monitoring or prepare for flu pandemics, then you want people to die needlessly. If you hate science, you hate America. If you don’t want us to know and understand more about everything than the rest of the world does, you’re a traitor giving comfort to the enemy. If you are against basic scientific research or think scientific research must be subordinate to religious principles, you are responsible for the destruction of this nation. It’s no accident that Captain Kirk speaks English. It’s that simple. So there,