Planet Terror

I’m tempted to keep ranting about Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld and the other stalwart patriots who so skillfully protected us against the horrors of a nuclear-armed Iraq, but even I grow weary of raking through the same fetid muck of amoral arrogance that has so stained our national character. Sometimes moving on is the only healthy thing to do. So, let us move on…

…to Zombies!

WHAT ARE THE TOP TEN ZOMBIE MOVIES OF ALL TIME?!

Like so many things, this one has been done to death (pause for groans), but it’s only my opinion, after all. The caveat is that the movie can only be on the list if I have seen it; the good news is, I have seen a few. It should be noted that I do not consider voodoo zombies to be real zombies and zombies that are not actually the living dead, but rather only infected with the holy ghost or some other such tragic condition, are only begrudgingly included, no matter how entertaining they may be. Also note that movies staring actors with the emotional range of zombies, such as Keanu Reeves, are not eligible for the list.

10) Land of the Dead – Dennis Hopper and zombies. Nuff said.

9) Zombie – It’s Italian and has a shark fighting a zombie. It has to be good.

8) Dawn of the Dead (Remake) – A guy with a gun shop shoots a zombie that looks like Jay Leno. Hard not to like that.

7) Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things – Disturbing in a tacky 1970’s sort of way. Also, great parenting advice.

6) Re-Animator – H. P. Lovecraft and the living dead. Two great tastes that taste great together.

5) 28 Days Later – Not real zombies, but great soundtrack. Nothing like Slumdog Millionaire.

4) Fido – Andrew Wyeth meets George Romero. And the mean kids get what’s coming to them.

3) Dead Alive – Peter Jackson’s finest movie, maybe.

2) Shaun of the Dead – The heroic struggles of the forgotten everyman against the arbitrary and capricious nature of existence. Also, zombies play video games.

1) Night of the Living Dead – Still the king in the way that Aaron is still the king; it may have been surpassed in the record books, but it is sincere, honest and decent, everything we look for in a zombie flick. They’re coming to get you Barbara.