Bode's Law

Scientists at the European Week of Astronomy and Space Science Conference in Hatfield England , which is just north of London , have announced the discovery of an earth-sized planet closely orbiting a star 200 trillion kilometers away out in space somewhere. It is speculated that the surface of the planet is too hot to support human life, which equates to just about as hot as Salma Hayeks’s role as the vampire stripper Santanico Pandemonium in “From Dusk Till Dawn”. It orbits its red dwarf host in approximately 3.15 days, which would make Madonna approximately 5781 years old if she were from that part of the galaxy, which seems about right in light of recent photos. The significance of this discovery is that it is one of the smallest planets yet identified outside of our solar system, and astronomers speculate that as search techniques become more sophisticated, a greater number of earth-sized and even earth-like planets will be discovered, dramatically increasing the apparent probability of earth-like conditions and, like, earth-like life.

As is usually the case, as our knowledge of the facts increases, many preconceptions fade and new paradigms emerge. The possibility of an incredible diversity of environments and forms of life on these thousands and millions of planets throughout the universe gives rise to much speculation on the appearance and behavior of these potential extraterrestrial denizens. I myself have speculated on these possibilities and offer a few exoplanet scenarios:

The Rush Limbaugh Planet

This planet is characterized by a methane and cigar smoke atmosphere. The entire planet is off its axis and wobbles such that its inhabitants have difficulty distinguishing between up and down. The primary form of life is an enormous, gas-filled bladder which can heat its internal gas by vigorous motion of its over-sized mandibles, giving it buoyancy to float above and attract the attention of the lesser life forms, which resemble sheep with under-developed cerebral cortices.

Planet Jiuliani IV

The atmosphere is comprised entirely of nitrous oxide. The planet spins so fast that Jiuliani's star rises and sets very quickly. The most prevalent life form pair-bonds numerous times during its life and even mates with its close genetic relatives. Males of the species may intermittently take on female form, but the adaptive value of this behavior is unknown. The species is also known to undergo other chameleon-like changes, depending on the political environment.

Planet of the Apes

This planet is self explanatory.

The Planet of Cheap Hookers

This planet is patronized chiefly by Senators from Louisiana.

Planet Hollywood

This planet is uninhabited and strewn with useless memorabilia from many over-rated action movies.

Forbidden Planet

This planet is populated by monsters from the id and serves principally as an allegorical commentary on the dangers associated with man's rapid technological advancement, especially as it relates to the application of new technologies to weapons development. The existence of this planet begs the question of whether the human species has the wisdom and emotional maturity to control and peacefully employ its technological power, or whether we will be destroyed by our own growing insight into the fundamental forces of nature.

Shoe Planet

Has many pairs of shoes at very reasonable prices.