Inside Game

And now, the hagfish. Despite its less than flattering name, the hagfish may not even be a true fish, being of such ancient lineage that only the lamprey and Ann Coulter can claim close relation. With a face that only H.P. Lovecraft could love, it is one of the few living creatures less appealing than Madonna, and is just as sexually confused. It is, however, a disgustingly fascinating evolutionary success story, and even has a rock band named after it (which allegedly “rocks your lame ass”). Fossils of the hagfish have been found dating back over 330 million years, so its pretty good at its revolting business, unlike Nancy Grace and Michael Steele.

The typical adult hagfish is about 18 inches long, but species range from six inches to four feet in length. Hagfish have elongated bodies, like eels, with no fins. They are functionally blind, with only rudimentary light sensing eyespots rather than compound eyes with focusing lenses. Their vision is similar to Keifer Sutherland’s after a night out in L.A., but since they wallow around in the muck at the bottom of the ocean (as opposed to Ocean Boulevard) they really don’t have much use for baby blues.

Hagfish have a primitive physiology that is more analogous to a worm than a fish. They have four hearts (just one short of a flush) that optimize blood flow to specific organs. The brain is actually located outside of the skull proper and is encased in a fibrous sheath similar to a cornhusk. Their skeletal structure is composed almost entirely of cartilage, with only the primitive notochord being boney. Sadly, this is more backbone than the average elected Democrat has.

The hagfish mouth has no jaws but has two tongue-like structures with embedded teeth that move side to side to scrape flesh from the dinner guest, which is pretty gruesome, but to make up for it they have six to eight tentacle-like appendages surrounding the mouth to assist in grasping the victim. The most notorious feeding habit of the hagfish is its ability to burrow into the body of a wounded host and consume the internal organs while the prey writhes in agony, much like several of my former girlfriends. Hagfish sex tends to be something of a mystery, much like with Bill and Hillary Clinton. Many species are hermaphroditic and basically reproduce asexually. Other species have a female to male ratio of up to 100 to 1, which could be a dream or a nightmare, depending on how honest the males are with themselves.

The great thing about hagfish is that they are prodigious producers of slime. The RNC has nothing on these guys; they secrete a fibrous substance that combines with water to form a viscous, sticky goo that apparently impairs the ability of gills to absorb oxygen, making potential predators rather uncomfortable, and hagfish have a neat trick that would make a Thai prostitute envious; they can actually tie themselves into an overhand knot and pull their body through the knot scraping off the goo as they go. Scientists who dress poorly and live in small apartments are researching the protein component of the goo to see how it might be used to get their freak on, or in other commercial applications.

Usually this closing paragraph is used to make some evocative observation about the pathos or irony of the subject, but there is little whimsy in the hagfish; it is a tough, uncompromising survivor that fills an environmental niche nobody else wants. Humans don’t eat it (except the Japanese, go figure), although it is harvested for its hide, which is deceptively sold as eel skin for wallets and bondage paraphernalia. The most poignant thing that can be said about our friend the hagfish is that they kill each other neither for love nor money, a claim we cannot make.