Here we are on Friday, another productive week of work gone by, so much accomplished, so much progress made. Now for the weekend! Here are a few things I will not be doing this weekend:
1) Watching Fox News. I accept that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but your opinions should not make smart people laugh at you. Perhaps the only place one might find a more detestable gaggle of ignoramuses is hosting a Klan rally. I have pinched turds with more intellectual substance than the entire aggregation of “journalists” and “analysts” employed by Rupert Murdock. I must admit that from time to time I have succumbed to the prurient allure of Fox’s busty spokes-models while channel surfing, but only if the No Pants Dance wasn’t on G4,
2) A 20-mile bike ride. I have recently been riding my bike a bit more often hoping to hit a pothole and jar some of my arterial plaque loose. While my cardiovascular stamina has surprisingly been more than up to the task, my aged posterior cannot endure the protracted abuse. Feeling the wind in one’s face is a wonderful thing, but not at the expense of my ass feeling like I’ve just completed a six-month prison term.
3) Eating sushi. I have several eating rules, such as never eating anything larger than my head, and I also never eat anything that used to be capable of independent movement without first subjecting it to extreme heat. I might compromise this rule if I survived an isolated plane crash in the Andes or became a reanimated corpse during the zombie apocalypse, but it ain’t happening this weekend.
4) Sleeping late. I have to get up early on Saturday to put out the garbage. I can’t put it out the night before because the raccoons have figured out how to take the lid off the trash cans. Often they will also vandalize the landscaping in protest over the poor quality trash we put out. I can’t make my teenage children do it because I would have to get up to wake them up and then argue for half an hour. Sunday morning I have a 7:00 AM tee-time. In Florida in June, if you don’t finish your round of golf before noon, you run the risk of your sweat dissolving your underwear.
5) Watching CNN all day to see what is happening in Iran. CNN doesn’t have the slightest idea what is happening in Iran. My dog k
nows more about what is happening in Iran than CNN does. I have watched hours of “breaking news” on CNN during the past week, only to realize that it was the same three video clips repeated in an endless loop with an assortment of talking heads speculating on when they might get some more video clips.
6) Going to the movies to watch “The Proposal”. Whoever heard of a Canadian getting deported? If Sandra Bullock doesn’t get a decent role soon, she’ll be hosting the Comedy Central roast of Kathy Griffin. Anne Fletcher, who also directed “Step Up and 27 Dresses”, directs the movie. Wow. I will probably go see “Dead Snow”, which tells the story of a group of vacationing medical students who must face a horde of Nazi zombies; sort of like what often happens at reproductive health clinics in America.
1) Watching Fox News. I accept that everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but your opinions should not make smart people laugh at you. Perhaps the only place one might find a more detestable gaggle of ignoramuses is hosting a Klan rally. I have pinched turds with more intellectual substance than the entire aggregation of “journalists” and “analysts” employed by Rupert Murdock. I must admit that from time to time I have succumbed to the prurient allure of Fox’s busty spokes-models while channel surfing, but only if the No Pants Dance wasn’t on G4,
2) A 20-mile bike ride. I have recently been riding my bike a bit more often hoping to hit a pothole and jar some of my arterial plaque loose. While my cardiovascular stamina has surprisingly been more than up to the task, my aged posterior cannot endure the protracted abuse. Feeling the wind in one’s face is a wonderful thing, but not at the expense of my ass feeling like I’ve just completed a six-month prison term.
3) Eating sushi. I have several eating rules, such as never eating anything larger than my head, and I also never eat anything that used to be capable of independent movement without first subjecting it to extreme heat. I might compromise this rule if I survived an isolated plane crash in the Andes or became a reanimated corpse during the zombie apocalypse, but it ain’t happening this weekend.
4) Sleeping late. I have to get up early on Saturday to put out the garbage. I can’t put it out the night before because the raccoons have figured out how to take the lid off the trash cans. Often they will also vandalize the landscaping in protest over the poor quality trash we put out. I can’t make my teenage children do it because I would have to get up to wake them up and then argue for half an hour. Sunday morning I have a 7:00 AM tee-time. In Florida in June, if you don’t finish your round of golf before noon, you run the risk of your sweat dissolving your underwear.
5) Watching CNN all day to see what is happening in Iran. CNN doesn’t have the slightest idea what is happening in Iran. My dog k
nows more about what is happening in Iran than CNN does. I have watched hours of “breaking news” on CNN during the past week, only to realize that it was the same three video clips repeated in an endless loop with an assortment of talking heads speculating on when they might get some more video clips.6) Going to the movies to watch “The Proposal”. Whoever heard of a Canadian getting deported? If Sandra Bullock doesn’t get a decent role soon, she’ll be hosting the Comedy Central roast of Kathy Griffin. Anne Fletcher, who also directed “Step Up and 27 Dresses”, directs the movie. Wow. I will probably go see “Dead Snow”, which tells the story of a group of vacationing medical students who must face a horde of Nazi zombies; sort of like what often happens at reproductive health clinics in America.
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