Iran, Iran So Far Away

As long ago as 728 B.C.E. there was a Supreme Leader in Iran. That particular leader, Cyaxares, was based in Ecbatana, near the modern Iranian city of Hamedan in West-Central Iran. Nebuchadnezzar married one of Cyaxares’ daughters (apparently Babylonians did fun stuff other than tormenting the Jews). Cyaxares smacked down an assortment of Syrians, Armenians, Mesopotamians and Philistines on the way to establishing an empire that stretched from modern-day central Turkey to northwest Pakistan. There is no record of any elections being held during Cyaxares’s reign, but one could well imagine that they probably wouldn’t have been democratic, primarily since Democritus hadn’t been born yet.

The Persians have had a whole bunch of Supreme Leaders since then, a lot of them with really cool names like Cyrus, Darius and Xerxes. Alexander the Great ran the joint for a while, but he died from a hangover in Nebuchadnezzar II’s palace less than three years after he spanked the Achaemenid Emperor Darius into retirement. The Persians were subsequently overrun by, in no particular order, Arabs, Turks, Mongols and Ayhotollahs. Ultimately, Iran rid itself of out-of-town Supreme Leaders and installed the home-grown version.

It is almost unavoidable that the people of Iran now find themselves in a state of political turmoil. They have a political system that is only slightly less complex than hiding three girlfriends from each other. The organizational chart looks like the schematics for the Enterprise’s transporters and even the Supreme Leader doesn’t really understand what it is that he is leader of. It is so confusing, that many Iranians have found themselves smashing their own heads during their protests in the streets of Tehran.

As near as I can determine, it goes something like this; the Supreme Leader is appointed by the Assembly of Experts. The Supreme Leader appoints the heads of the military, the judiciary, domestic security and the Guardian Council. The Supreme leader serves until he quits, dies or is chased into exile by bearded militants. He wears a boss-looking turban and robes, which could hide all sorts of contraband. There have only been two Supreme leaders since the Islamic Republic of Iran was established in 1979, neither of which was named Bush or Clinton. The Assembly of Experts is comprised of 86 “learned” religious leaders who are elected in established districts by popular vote. However, the Guardian Council, which, as we already know, is appointed by the Supreme Leader, gets to decide who can run for the Assembly of Experts. The Assembly also decides issues related to the application of Islamic law, which have some significance in Iran, being that it is an Islamic Republic.

The Guardian Council, in fact, gets to decide who can run for all national offices, including Parliament and the Presidency. They also have the authority to void any law passed by the Parliament if it is judged to be contrary to the principles of Islam or the Iranian Constitution. The 280 members of the Parliament are responsible for drafting legislation and establishing the budget, if anybody will let them. The President, who is elected by popular vote, if the Guardian Council lets him run, appoints Cabinet Ministers and bickers with the Parliament. He has no control over the military and apparently cannot be more than 5’4” tall.

In summary, the Supreme Leader appoints the people that decide if the people who appoint him can be elected by the people, but only after he is already appointed. The Assembly of Experts has all the power, but only if the people appointed by the Supreme Leader allow them to run for the powerful position. The Guardian Council, who are appointed by the guy who is appointed by the people who they get to decide are acceptable to seek the authority to make the appointment also gets to tell the Parliament whether or not it can do what it already did. Meanwhile, the President, the guy causing all the current turmoil, can’t order the military to do anything and can only politely ask the Parliament to pass a bill which will then be reviewed by the Guardian Council which is appointed by the Supreme Leader who is elected by the Assembly of Experts who were approved by the Guardian Council who were appointed by the Supreme Leader.

There is little wonder the citizens of Iran have taken to the streets. The only real question is whether they even know what city they are in.