Truth Made Simple

What a culture finds to be mysterious says a lot about that culture. For instance, the Ancient Egyptians found the fate of the human soul to be a big mystery, so they built huge stone pyramids and invented duct tape. The Ancient Aztecs found the Gods’ involvement in the climate and agriculture to be mysterious, so they built huge stone pyramids and invented the harsh treatment of Mexicans. The recent Barons of Wall Street found the source of wealth to be mysterious, so they built pyramid schemes and invented the decline of modern capitalism. I have not built or invented anything, but I find it quite mysterious how any sane person could take Sarah Palin seriously. Sometimes the way she pauses during a speech makes me think she is giving the audience time to get the joke, but to no avail.

So anyway, I was surfing the net as I often do to avoid having to deal with any of the real issues in my life when I came upon http://listverse.com/2007/07/20/top-10-unsolved-mysteries/. It is one of maybe 35 trillion unassuming websites which claim to have compiled a list of the top ten something; in this case the “Top 10 Unsolved Mysteries”. I just thought I would run through them, one at a time, and shed some light on the facts:

1) Shroud of Turin – This is that linen cloth that allegedly bears the image of a crucified Christ. It could be real, but only if Christ were crucified by a bunch of second graders during crayon break. The head looks like a Heineken mini-keg. Well, maybe I’m projecting, but only researchers who are affiliated with the Catholic Church or a cable TV network find any potential legitimacy in the cloth. Objective analysts believe it is the result of a 14th Century Republican plot to make a buck off the less astute elements of society.

2) Mary Celeste – This was a ship found floating abandoned in the Atlantic in 1872. It’s not very mysterious to me; the people on the boat got off. Why? Well I’m sure they had a damn good reason being that they were in the middle of the ocean.

3) The Taos Hum – This is a noise that nobody can hear, so it is somewhat difficult to investigate. Taos is in New Mexico, the same state that boasts Roswell. The only noise I can hear is giggling.

4) Black Dahlia – This is the nickname given to a young lady murdered in Los Angeles in 1947. The killer was never brought to justice. The only mystery here is where on the list are the other 17,283 unsolved murders of young ladies in Los Angeles? I guess it is because she was cut in half, which has also recently happened to my household income. Spooky, huh?

5) Comte de Saint Germain – This dude was an Eighteenth Century snake oil salesman. There is absolutely no mystery about exploiting people’s ignorance for profit. What is mysterious is how 225 years later people can still be ignorant enough to think there is some mystery.

6) Voynich Manuscript – Nobody can read this document and nobody knows what it means. Sort of like a high-school math textbook or anything James Joyce wrote.

7) Jack the Ripper - No mystery here. Jack the Ripper is the name given to a killer (or killers) who gruesomely murdered and mutilated at least six prostitutes in London in the late 1800’s. For disappointed teenagers in the audience, there are no flatulence jokes forthcoming. A lot of people think they know who Jack the Ripper was, and, for all we know, one or more of them may be correct. As an aside, anybody want to guess how many prostitutes were murdered in London in the 1800’s? See #4 above.

8) Bermuda Triangle – This area, which comprises about half of the Atlantic Ocean, is the area where about half the disappearances of ships and planes in the Atlantic Ocean occur. Often nobody knows what happened to them. That’s why they are said to have “disappeared”. Most of these disappearances occurred before the development of modern credit reporting bureaus. Coincidence?

9) The Zodiac Killer – Some nut killed some people in California in the 1960’s; and got away with it! Pretty mysterious. Many believe he may still be hiding at an undisclosed location, perhaps with Dick Cheney. In fact, where was Dick Cheney when the killings occurred? Inquiring minds want to know.

10) The Babushka Lady – Apparently some mysterious woman was photographed photographing something during President Kennedy’s visit to Dallas when he was assassinated. I imagine she was one of, say, several thousand people viewing the motorcade, some of whom might have been taking pictures. I must say, it is truly mysterious, certainly one of the top 10 unsolved mysteries of all human history.

The author has generously provided yet another list here, http://listverse.com/2007/07/27/another-10-unsolved-mysteries/, which has even more spine-tingling mysteries, to be sure. I haven’t looked yet; I don’t want to spoil the mystery.