Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court David Souter has announced that he has about had his fill of public service and is going to go back to New Hampshire to fish. A spokesman for the fish in New Hampshire has called Souter a “cold-blooded killer” and suggested that he remain in Washington
where the rest of the cold-blooded killers reside. For his part, Justice Souter doesn’t care what the fish think and President Obama is currently evaluating an undisclosed list of potential appointees for the important post.
Appointed by President George Bush (the reasonably reasonable one) in 1990, Souter has frequently disappointed the nation’s Conservatives by joining in thoughtful, intellectually defensible rulings on a range of issues of importance to America. Many decent, loyal Americans, and even a few Republicans, believe Souter’s retirement is a loss to the nation. In an effort to do my part to ensure that a qualified replacement is found, I would propose to assist the President by recommending and evaluating a few potential nominees, as follows:
Me – I could use the money and since I’ve been married for twenty years, oral arguments are second nature. Also, I would be the largest Justice since W. H. Taft and an excellent dancer. My main liability is that I am a white guy and don’t know anything.
Keith Olbermann – Second-best choice. Knows the rules of rugby and could compile the “Worst Lawyer in the World” list. Also, Bill O’Reilly hates him.
Don King – Show me anybody smarter than this guy and I’ll show you an Asian. A self-made multi-millionaire who went from prison to having the most recognizable hairstyle in America, Don King is the epitome of the American Dream. His main liability is that he stole most of his money from Mike Tyson.
Michael Steele – Will need a job soon.
Madonna – She’s been around the block a few times and has learned a few tricks. Also, Guy Ritchie’s first three movies were dope. Main drawback is that she might try to adopt the other justices.
Jabba the Hut – Even larger than me and speaks in a language nobody can understand, similar to Antonin Scalia. Supports the right to keep and bear Banthas. Main drawback is potential sexual harassment claims from Princess Leia.
Joe the Plumber – Anybody that can make Sarah Palin look smart has got a lot to offer this country. If nominated, he might actually get a plumbing license.
The Pope – Knows quite bit about legalism and is comfortable in robes. Principle advantage is that membership in the Hitler Youth will deflect Republican criticism.
Master Shake – Quiet, thoughtful and empathetic. Has a straw sticking out of his head.
Borat – Sensible fellow with a good heart. First Central Asian Justice. Very nice.
where the rest of the cold-blooded killers reside. For his part, Justice Souter doesn’t care what the fish think and President Obama is currently evaluating an undisclosed list of potential appointees for the important post.Appointed by President George Bush (the reasonably reasonable one) in 1990, Souter has frequently disappointed the nation’s Conservatives by joining in thoughtful, intellectually defensible rulings on a range of issues of importance to America. Many decent, loyal Americans, and even a few Republicans, believe Souter’s retirement is a loss to the nation. In an effort to do my part to ensure that a qualified replacement is found, I would propose to assist the President by recommending and evaluating a few potential nominees, as follows:
Me – I could use the money and since I’ve been married for twenty years, oral arguments are second nature. Also, I would be the largest Justice since W. H. Taft and an excellent dancer. My main liability is that I am a white guy and don’t know anything.
Keith Olbermann – Second-best choice. Knows the rules of rugby and could compile the “Worst Lawyer in the World” list. Also, Bill O’Reilly hates him.
Don King – Show me anybody smarter than this guy and I’ll show you an Asian. A self-made multi-millionaire who went from prison to having the most recognizable hairstyle in America, Don King is the epitome of the American Dream. His main liability is that he stole most of his money from Mike Tyson.
Michael Steele – Will need a job soon.
Madonna – She’s been around the block a few times and has learned a few tricks. Also, Guy Ritchie’s first three movies were dope. Main drawback is that she might try to adopt the other justices.
Jabba the Hut – Even larger than me and speaks in a language nobody can understand, similar to Antonin Scalia. Supports the right to keep and bear Banthas. Main drawback is potential sexual harassment claims from Princess Leia.
Joe the Plumber – Anybody that can make Sarah Palin look smart has got a lot to offer this country. If nominated, he might actually get a plumbing license.
The Pope – Knows quite bit about legalism and is comfortable in robes. Principle advantage is that membership in the Hitler Youth will deflect Republican criticism.
Master Shake – Quiet, thoughtful and empathetic. Has a straw sticking out of his head.
Borat – Sensible fellow with a good heart. First Central Asian Justice. Very nice.
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