Watch Out Gunther Octavius

This fine looking fellow in the picture here is a sea spider, a proud member of the subphylum Chelicerata (although some Poindexters dispute this), which includes horseshoe crabs, spiders, scorpions and mites. This is perhaps only impressive to me, because until I stumbled upon them in a totally unrelated Internet search (you’ll have to guess), I had no idea they existed. They have apparently been on Earth at least as long as Larry King, that is to say some 500 million years, but they show no signs of being nearly as gullible and irresponsibly uncritical.

Sea Spiders are widespread throughout the world’s oceans and can grow as large as three feet in length in the cold, deep waters of the Antarctic, but most are only around three to four inches long. They feed by virtue of a proboscis which they stick into soft-bodies creatures like sea slugs, or me, for example, and extract nutrients. Much like Geraldo Rivera, they survive by sticking their nose in other folks’ business and sucking. Interestingly, the males guard the eggs and the young hatchlings. Whether the female sea spiders sit around and bitch or do something else during this period is unknown. The offspring of certain species begin life as parasites which attach themselves to a host until they are ready to leave, much like human children.

Sea spiders do not breathe, but rather absorb oxygen through diffusion. Their long, narrow hearts beat 90 to 180 times per minute, which is similar to me walking up a slight incline. Sea spiders can crawl or swim, or just sit there. They have a rudimentary nervous system, like most Republicans, two pairs of eyes, although if they live in the dark they don’t work, and a body divided into a cephalothorax and an abdomen, just Like Rosie O Donnell. Freaky spider scientist guys know very little about their mating habits, although they are really interested, but it is suspected that sea spiders are unaware of doggies or missionaries.

I never cease to be amazed by the diversity of life on this planet and how even the most grotesque and unnerving creatures, like Michelle Bachmann, possess a unique and fascinating charm. I’m a firm believer in the process of evolution by natural selection, but I can forgive my fellow hominids if they ascribe this bounty of wonder to some marvelous creator. Those of us who appreciate how cool nature is ”just because” and those of us who think it is God’s creation need to work together to protect the Earth's environment against greed and stupidity (see, I didn't use the "R" word). Working as a team, sort of like those kids that summon Captain Planet, we can ensure that these ugly-ass sea spiders will be around to creep us out for another 500 million years.