Reader Mail

Today’s blog will be devoted to reader questions. Since there are no apparent readers, I’ve had to make the questions up, but they are probably way more interesting than any real ones I might get.

1) Why do you dislike Republicans so much?

I’m not sure where anyone would get that idea, but the fact is that I don’t dislike Republicans; I just dislike ignorance, bigotry, hypocrisy, superstition, arrogance, inequity, prevarication, greed, stupidity and pomposity. Of course all Republicans do not share these characteristics, just like all Democrats are not wise and caring, but in my opinion the public face of the Republican Party is one of the most dismal collections of sociopaths, cynical manipulators and intellectual failures since the Borgias. My objection is that all I perceive in the Republican message is an appeal to the worst elements of human nature; fear, selfishness and intellectual laziness. People who are honest, decent and smart can disagree passionately about virtually anything, but it is fair and necessary to critique the reasoning that underlies any intellectual position, and I just don’t feel that there is any actual reasoning underlying most Republican positions.

2) How do you know when a worm hole needs to be repaired?

Usually somebody calls you. Most people don’t know much about worm holes, but simply put, if a Minkowski spacetime contains a compact region Ω, and if the topology of Ω is of the form Ω ~ R x Σ, where Σ is a three-manifold of nontrivial topology, whose boundary has topology of the form dΣ ~ S2, and if, furthermore, the hypersurfaces Σ are all spacelike, then the region Ω contains a quasipermanent intra-universe wormhole. Most repairs can be accomplished with duct tape..

3) Who is the best left-handed second baseman currently playing in the major leagues?

This is clearly a trick question since it is 10:00 AM my time and there are no games currently underway.

4) Are you really as much of a genius as your appear to be?

Probably. With the exception of personal and professional success, I have been able to accomplish pretty much everything I have set out to achieve. I know more about most stuff that nobody cares about than the people who don’t care about it, which makes me pretty knowledgeable. I am probably going to receive a Nobel Prize for blogging or something pretty soon.

5) What is a Palatinate?

A palatinate is a long cylindrical metallic object with handles on each side which can be packed with explosives or used for aging cider. It was invented by the Hungarian cabaret transvestite Markvald Schwinger in 1875 in response to an inquiry. The object is featured prominently on the Hapsburg coat of arms and is found in trace amounts in chicken broth.

6) Who is the biggest idiot in America?

This is a tough question. We must first establish the parameters of the possible answers. Since I do not know, or know of, all persons in the United States, it is possible that I don’t know the biggest idiot in America, so I can only indicate the biggest idiot that I am personally aware of. Also, there may be some Americans who are candidates for the position who are currently outside of the United States, and while they may be pretty big idiots, they aren’t in America and therefore are not eligible. Also, persons who are idiots may be in America, but not be Americans, which may not be the answer you are looking for. If I had to guess, I would say Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck, or virtually anybody who appears on Fox News in the morning, although Joe Scarborough might also qualify.

Keep those cards and letters coming.