Sneaky Monsters

So what’s up with the Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) these days? I haven’t heard much from them since the monkey suit in the freezer scam blew up. These apparently widespread bipedal primates are pretty much out of sight and out of mind most of the time, but every once in a while some dentally challenged relative of mine in Arkansas will show up on the Discovery Channel regaling the public with their tale of a near almost pretty sorta close encounter with something. The viewing public is left to determine for themselves if the encounter was with an alien, a bear, el Chupacabra in an unfrozen monkey suit, the bottom of a quart of Jack Daniels, a petit mal seizure or deliberate falsehood. What is most amazing is that these “reports” show up on these “reputable” cable channels “dedicated” to educating the public on “natural history”. I won’t bother to waste the time recounting all the compelling arguments why these various cryptomorphs can’t really exist. Instead, I will suggest that they, in fact, do.

I have to confess that I have probably been wrong all along on the issue of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster and Ogo Pogo and the Mothman and all the rest of those fellows who inhabit the fringes of human society, especially in nations with large church-going populations. I have allowed myself to be taken in by a broad conspiracy of television producers, governmental agents and the mysterious creatures themselves. Each element in this conspiracy has its own motives for taking part, but the result is same; the American people are being kept in the dark about something that has great relevance to their daily lives.

It is no accident that the only people we ever see on the television recounting their experiences with whatever such improbable creatures happen to fall into one or more of the following categories:

A) People who appear to have jaundice;
B) People whose teeth have been destroyed by methamphetamine addiction;
C) Current/Former Chairpersons of the Republican National Committee;
D) People whose eyes do not point in the same direction;
E) Obese women who live in trailers;
F) Obese men who live with their parents;
G) Young males in camouflage who appear to have recently smoked dope;
H) Long-haired PhD’s employed by the East/West/Northern State Community College.
I) People with strangely shaped heads.
J) Lonely middle-aged women who would be attractive if they just did something with their hair.
K) Earnest hippy/environmentalist types who are fungi experts.

These societal rejects have no credibility and so the conspirators know they can continue to conceal the presence of the extraordinary creatures like Bigfoot by making the thinking public believe the only people who see them are emotionally troubled, stoned or unpopular. For their part, the creatures avoid paying taxes and serving in the military, and are never troubled by Jehovah’s Witnesses. They can marry their gay lovers, have late-term abortions and spend D.B. Cooper’s money. The powerful people assisting them also benefit because they avoid paying taxes and serving in the military, and are never troubled by Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The reason that those camera traps the “investigators” always place in the woods never capture anything but mangy raccoons abusing cow corpses is that it’s pretty much the only thing that ever happens in the woods. Dick Cheney and Bigfoot just watch from the shadows.